Another month...another BFN.

Yep.  Pretty much heart broken, again. It seriously gets harder and harder to go through a month of hoping and praying and waiting only to be crushed.  I just cannot understand why God is still saying NO to us having a child.  I try to figure it out on my own and what do you think happens?  I can't figure it out, because His ways are not our ways.  I have heard of at least 3 pregnancies in the past few days which has added to my pain.  As far as I know, these couples haven't experienced any infertility issues and it just makes me even more full of grief.  I sit and I question why we have to go through the tests, the heartache, and our bank account while they have no problems.  Sometimes, it just downright makes me angry.  I know it's wrong, believe me...I get angry for a short while and then I repent.  It's so hard to understand but God has his reasons He is choosing this path for us.  The only good that I have received from being an infertile is that I have made some new friends whom I would have never ever met IRL or online.  I am so very thankful for that.

All I know is that God still loves me.  My husband still loves me.  I have friends who are carrying me in prayer, because they know exactly how I feel.  They know that feeling of hope, then of utter despair.  My dear, kind and patient husband holds me at night while I cry myself to sleep.  He holds me when I cry when I first wake up (like this morning).  He tries his darnedest to make me smile and to laugh again.  He forces me to go outside and run around with my dogs.  But then, most importantly, he prays with me.

Believe me, I wish we didn't have to walk this road.  It is all about trying to find the joy amidst this deep sorrow that continues on every day.  I'm just glad that God is walking beside us and sometimes carrying us on those days when I just don't want to go on anymore.  But trudge on, I must. 

I leave you with this parting thought from the Psalms.

Psalm 27:13-14
I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.  Wait on the LORD; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the LORD!