#JollyVoxBox time!

#JollyVoxBox from Influenster!


I got my #JollyVoxBox from Influenster (Influenster.com of which I am a member.) back in December.  I didn't have the opportunity to open up the box immediately when I received it because I had outpatient surgery 5 days before Christmas.  Needless to say, not a lot of extra things got done right before this!

Boy!  Did I miss out until I opened this baby up!

I was delighted to see a full box of Skinny Cow chocolate candy!  I got the ones with peanut butter in the middle.  I had wanted to try these, because I do like the Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches!  These candies are great!

The next thing I was excited to see was the Puffs Plus to Go.  We carry a lot of "to-go" packages of kleenex brand tissues but I always wished that there was a lotion pack!  Well...my wish was granted!  I love these tissues!  They are soft!

The third thing I noticed was the Mini DuckTape Brand tape.  They are "ducklings".  My print was a wild zebra stripe with pink background.  It's pretty cool!

I also got an eyeshadow trio from NYC (New York Color). It is their high definition color line.  I love brown eyeshadow, this worked great for me!

The last thing in my voxbox was a tube of lip gloss from Rimmel.  I am the least favorable of this product-but ONLY because I have a hideous color for me!  It's a bright pink and I am not a pink person!

I love being a member of Influenster.com!  If you are interested, please let me know!

A year ago today...still waiting.

I just realized that I had not even updated a post on a year ago when Jace was born or continued our adoption story.  I will seriously blame life being busy.  I promise that one day I will get my act together an share more about our journey of adoption.  

One year ago today, we went to court for the first time to get us closer to becoming a forever family.  My nerves were shot.  We didn't know if the birthfather was going to contest the adoption because no one could get a hold of him.  By this point, I remember losing so much sleep because I could not control the outcome.  If you know me well, you know I like to be in control.  Craig often jokes with me that even when I'm not behind the wheel of the van that I'm still "driving".  All kidding aside, we seriously did not know where we were going to be after we left court that day.  We also didn't know if the birthfather would show up.  We knew, up to that point, that he knew about the pregnancy and he knew that Jace had been born.  

We met our lawyer about 15 minutes before our hearing to discuss what would happen plus there was a BOLO (yes-I watch too many police dramas) for the birthfather.  We were called back to the courtroom where the judge heard our case.  We had to get a "continuance" to give time for a notice to be published.  This notice served to tell the birthfather that an adoption proceeding was going to take place and that if he wanted something to be done, he needed to act.  

We were told by the judge that this wasn't a setback, it was just a postponement.  So, we walked out of court knowing that the next time we would be back would be 1 month exactly later-11/16/12.  The judge and the staff at the courthouse were phenomenal. They were encouraging. I can't probably comprehend the number of cases that they had seen/heard where circumstances were worse than ours.  The judge even mentioned that to us.  She encouraged us to stay strong.  Our lawyer told us she would let us know if she heard anything and that we were also going to have a lawyer appointed to act on the birthfather's behalf.  

I'm not gonna lie.  Boy howdy is it hard to wait.  I didn't want anything to come between us and Jace.  How could we lose this boy we had come to love so much?  Well, the truth is/was that God never promised us anything and he didn't guarantee us anything.  I struggled with anger, frustration, sadness, guilt and had all of these bad dreams about the situation.  I knew I had to give it to God.  But, again, that was so hard.  We had waited to become parents and I didn't know if it was going to be ripped out of our hands.  I kept trying to beg and plead with God and at times "bartering".  Oh, that was so wrong.  

I really know that I, personally, would not have made it through that last month without prayer warriors.  We were able to share our prayer requests with others through a group on facebook and have them lift us up.  

Again, I won't lie-it was probably the longest month of my life.  I wanted everything to be finished.  I wanted Jace's name to be changed.  I wanted him ours forever.  God knew the outcome from way back when.  He knew that I needed to be stretched in ways I never thought possible.  It's so easy to look back at it and see it now.  It was probably a good thing for us (well, me-especially) to go through this.  It's changed my outlook on a lot of other things that have popped up since then that are out of my control.  Yes-my first intital reaction is WHY? and COME ON!  But, then I take a step back and say-God has got this. Not me.  Chill, girl.  

One year ago our world was beginning to change.

Yesterday marked one year ago that we found out we were going to finally be parents.  I should honestly say that it was a year ago that we found out there was a strong possibility we would become parents.

We found out in the middle of July that there was an expectant mother who was choosing an adoption plan for the child she was carrying.  She contacted the agency we had our profile with informing them of her plan.  Our Social Worker (SW) gave her our profile because this gal came from a farming background.  Our SW contacted us to confirm our hopes that we could have an open adoption because this is what this emom was wanting.  She felt that we would be a good match because we were both from small rural areas.

So, we began the "countdown to our meeting".  But, we didn't know when that day would be.  We were running into conflicts for all parties involved.  We finally could meet on Saturday, July 28.  We nervously drove over an hour to our agency not knowing if we would be chosen.  If this emom would like us. If this was the beginning of something wonderful. If we would be chosen only to have our dreams and hopes crushed.

We showed up at the meeting with our SW, the emom and some members of her family.  We immediately hit it off.  Emom-whom I will refer to as "T" showed us a sonogram picture.  We saw the words...IT'S A BOY!  And then my world and my mind began on a crazy spiral of anticipation, fear, excitement, awe, and it was full of questions.  Evidently, T thought when she wanted to meet us that it was a done deal.  We went into the meeting with the impression she wanted to meet with us to make the decision if we were going to be the parents she chose.  So, when we were bombarded with the question if we had picked out a name yet-we sat there dumbfounded.  We visited for nearly 2 hours.  T's grandfather farmed and of course since that's what we do, Craig and the grandparents had a lot to talk about-especially since we were going through a severe drought.  

We found out this little guy was due August 17.  We were hoping she would deliver then because our SW was going to go on vacation one week and her doctor another.  T told us that she liked that we lived on a farm, had dogs, and that I played volleyball.  She was also glad to know that we were Christians.  She said she wanted her child to go to a family that didn't have any kids or couldn't.  Well, we fit that bill for sure. 

We exchanged phone numbers so that T could text us how she was doing and when she went into labor.  We found out where she had planned to deliver-in Ottawa, KS (which is about 2 hours away from us) and we all agreed that this was a good match.

I can't tell you the range of emotions we felt after this meeting.  We had plans to meet up with my family and some friends who were in town but I couldn't even think about that.  

I think both of us were in shock.  We had our profile active for about 5 1/2 months and had several inquiries and they all went nowhere and we also declined having our profile shown.  The thoughts permeated my brain that this was exciting...yet it could fail. Playing that game of doubt in your head could drive you insane.  We prayed.  We hoped. We felt more good about it than bad so that helped.  

We decided to make a run to Babies 'R Us to look and hope and dream some more.  After we visited with family and friends, we headed home.  It was so funny...Craig brought up the fact that we needed to come up with a name. We didn't know where to start!  We jokingly started going through NASCAR driver's names.  Nah...we wouldn't do that.  So, we started going through T.V. show's character's names.  We had just started watching Duck Dynasty 2 weeks previous and Craig said we should name this little guy Si.  I told him I don't think so.  We had a good laugh.  Then, in all seriousness, I said that I really liked the name Jase.  He was also one of our favorite characters on the show.  We agreed that we would talk about it more, but that name was etched onto my heart from that moment on.  I didn't know if it would come to be, but I was falling in love with this little boy that I was not even carrying.

National Infertility Awareness Week

Taken from resolve.org website

Infertility Awareness...
It is needed. And here is how you can help.

Infertility. That was a word I really hadn't heard of and didn't know much about until we were experiencing problems getting pregnant.  I had know people who didn't have kids and I always wondered why.  I knew that these people loved kids but I couldn't understand why they didn't have kids of their own.  Others would give excuses for those who were childless-maybe not knowing the truth of why or maybe they did.  But, once the excuse was given it was expected to not talk anymore about it.

I am not going to use this blogpost to go in depth about our infertility. If you want the full story, you can read some of my previous posts.  The condensed version is after thousands of dollars of tests, my husband and I were diagnosed with unexplained infertility.  This means there was no known cause for the reason we could not get pregnant.  We had tried to get pregnant for over 3 years before we sought medical treatment. We then went through 10 cycles of A.R.T.S. (Assisted Reproductive Technology) only to have each cycle fail. For 7 cycles, I was also taking a medicine that left some bad side effects...all in an effort to get pregnant.  

I don't know why we waited.  Namely, I was in denial that something was wrong.  I didn't know what could be wrong and then I got scared because I didn't know what was going on and what to expect.  I was not informed and educated.  I joined an online Christian Inferility support group/forum.  I gained a lot from these other ladies who were also experiencing infertility, loss, adoption loss, etc.  Even though we may have had different diagnoses and we were in different places in life we had one thing in common-we wanted to be mommies and couldn't be. Another thing we had in common-we all had been told some very hurtful things by people who were not aware of the facts and the pain of infertility.

Again, why?  I don't know.  About 30-35 years ago, breast cancer was not talked about too much.  There were thousands of women (and men) who were dying of this disease but it was talked in hushed tones-hidden from the news.  I mean, you just don't talk about a woman's breast in public or mixed circles.  It was a private and personal part of a woman's body but women were suffering greatly from this cancer and not getting the medical care and support that they needed.  

Now-look at us.  Everywhere you look you probably see a pink ribbon, you might hear about a Breast Cancer Walk, you might send money to a foundation that helps with breast cancer cures, you know someone who survived.  You may know someone who lost their battle-but you know.  Most of us who have a loved one or friend who was diagnosed with breast cancer (or any medical condition) did everything in our power to help them.  We might read up on treatments to learn what  that person is going through and will experience.  We don't question why they treat-we support and we love.  When they are suffering with the initial diagnosis, people rally around and say we are going to beat this.

Studies show that when people are going through a medical crisis if they are receiving support and love from others, they usually respond to their treatment better.  They have a will to live and to carry on.  Now-please don't think that I am saying that 100% of infertility medical treatments work.  Believe me, I know-we had 10 failed cycles, remember?  But-the point is when you receive love and support while going through  treatment, you have the will to carry on.  When we were going through our cycles, I relied heavily on people. They let me cry on their shoulder. They just listened.  But, they became aware of what it was we were going through and empathized.  They may not have known what it was like to go through it but they had the desire to understand.

Why is infertility not talked about?  It's somewhat the same as why breast cancer was not talked about years ago.  We are dealing with a personal aspect of a couple's life-sex. Yes-it's pretty obvious that sex is what leads to the birth of a child.  But the fact of the matter is-it's a real part of way too many couple's lives and they are hurting and grieving and need support.

1 in 8 couples are experiencing infertility.  Some studies show that the number may be as high as 1 in 5 couples.  Stop and think about it.  That's way too many.  The battery of tests that a couple goes through is amazing.  And yes-both have to go through it.  It's humiliating.  It's embarrassing. It's heartbreaking. You have to share some of the most intimate details of your life with a doctor.  

When I "came out" on facebook talking about what we were going through, I received every type of response.  We had the "I can't imagine", the "Praying for you", and the worst of all, "Get over it" responses.  It baffled me.  Most of the time when we received the negative comments they came from people who just didn't care and were not informed about infertility.  They didn't know the real and raw emotion that came with the diagnosis.  

If you take a moment, you probably realize that there is someone in your life who is going through infertility.  They may just need a shoulder to cry on.  They may need to vent.  They may just need someone to not judge them.  What I want to encourage you to do is to become aware that there is an Infertility problem that is going on.  

We became aware of breast cancer and what it takes for a patient to go through.  We now need-no we MUST do the same for infertility patients.  Resolve.org has a great website full of facts about infertility. There is also a section for family and friends to read about what it's like for a couple experiencing infertility.  Support & Services for Family & Friends

After 10 cycles of ARTS and thousands of dollars later, we decided that we would pursue adoption. We were approved through a home study and then waited 8 months until we were able to bring home our handsome little guy. We had times of turmoil there, too.  We had our profile shown and turned down several times and then we had to wait to finalize.  It was rough, too.  But, we carried on with that journey as well because we received support.  Even though I am now a mommy through adoption, I am still and always be an infertile.  There are times when I catch myself hoping that this month we may get pregnant only to be disappointed again.  There are days when pregnancy announcements catch me off guard and they hurt deeply.  But, you know what?  I am a survivor.  I'm glad that I can share our story with others and that I can vent when I'm struggling.  I'm glad that I have friends who have become aware and want to understand. 

My prayer is that you can do that for a friend of yours.  You never know how much your love, support, friendship and your willingness to be aware can make a difference.  I know it did for me. 

A New and Great Adventure

I just realized that I have done an absolute terrible job at updating this blog.  I said I would update on our adoption journey-but alas I did not.  And here we are-7 months after our handsome little guy was born and 4 months after our adoption was finalized.  

I still feel it's important to share about our journey, because there are many people out there who are interested in adoption and want to know what it's like.  I know that through the help of many of our friends we got a lot of our questions answered and when we (well, more so me) encountered those tough days it was nice to know there were people who had "been there/done that". 

So, as time permits, I will revisit our adoption journey since last January.  Believe me, it was full of ups & downs, trials & triumphs, sad times & good times.  

In the meantime, I want to encourage anyone if you are looking into adoption, to please feel free to e-mail me.  I want to be able to answer the questions you have and let you know that I would love to share what God has done through our lives.

Here is a somewhat recent pic of our little Jace Man.  He is truly a blessing to Craig & I.

Jace (Almost 6 Months) & mommy