One year ago our world was beginning to change.

Yesterday marked one year ago that we found out we were going to finally be parents.  I should honestly say that it was a year ago that we found out there was a strong possibility we would become parents.

We found out in the middle of July that there was an expectant mother who was choosing an adoption plan for the child she was carrying.  She contacted the agency we had our profile with informing them of her plan.  Our Social Worker (SW) gave her our profile because this gal came from a farming background.  Our SW contacted us to confirm our hopes that we could have an open adoption because this is what this emom was wanting.  She felt that we would be a good match because we were both from small rural areas.

So, we began the "countdown to our meeting".  But, we didn't know when that day would be.  We were running into conflicts for all parties involved.  We finally could meet on Saturday, July 28.  We nervously drove over an hour to our agency not knowing if we would be chosen.  If this emom would like us. If this was the beginning of something wonderful. If we would be chosen only to have our dreams and hopes crushed.

We showed up at the meeting with our SW, the emom and some members of her family.  We immediately hit it off.  Emom-whom I will refer to as "T" showed us a sonogram picture.  We saw the words...IT'S A BOY!  And then my world and my mind began on a crazy spiral of anticipation, fear, excitement, awe, and it was full of questions.  Evidently, T thought when she wanted to meet us that it was a done deal.  We went into the meeting with the impression she wanted to meet with us to make the decision if we were going to be the parents she chose.  So, when we were bombarded with the question if we had picked out a name yet-we sat there dumbfounded.  We visited for nearly 2 hours.  T's grandfather farmed and of course since that's what we do, Craig and the grandparents had a lot to talk about-especially since we were going through a severe drought.  

We found out this little guy was due August 17.  We were hoping she would deliver then because our SW was going to go on vacation one week and her doctor another.  T told us that she liked that we lived on a farm, had dogs, and that I played volleyball.  She was also glad to know that we were Christians.  She said she wanted her child to go to a family that didn't have any kids or couldn't.  Well, we fit that bill for sure. 

We exchanged phone numbers so that T could text us how she was doing and when she went into labor.  We found out where she had planned to deliver-in Ottawa, KS (which is about 2 hours away from us) and we all agreed that this was a good match.

I can't tell you the range of emotions we felt after this meeting.  We had plans to meet up with my family and some friends who were in town but I couldn't even think about that.  

I think both of us were in shock.  We had our profile active for about 5 1/2 months and had several inquiries and they all went nowhere and we also declined having our profile shown.  The thoughts permeated my brain that this was exciting...yet it could fail. Playing that game of doubt in your head could drive you insane.  We prayed.  We hoped. We felt more good about it than bad so that helped.  

We decided to make a run to Babies 'R Us to look and hope and dream some more.  After we visited with family and friends, we headed home.  It was so funny...Craig brought up the fact that we needed to come up with a name. We didn't know where to start!  We jokingly started going through NASCAR driver's names.  Nah...we wouldn't do that.  So, we started going through T.V. show's character's names.  We had just started watching Duck Dynasty 2 weeks previous and Craig said we should name this little guy Si.  I told him I don't think so.  We had a good laugh.  Then, in all seriousness, I said that I really liked the name Jase.  He was also one of our favorite characters on the show.  We agreed that we would talk about it more, but that name was etched onto my heart from that moment on.  I didn't know if it would come to be, but I was falling in love with this little boy that I was not even carrying.

Prayers needed for my Mother-in-law

I can't believe that it's been almost two months since I've blogged.

Goodness...I'm a neglecter of all things bloggie.                                    

Well, I have no excuse other than to say I have forgotten.

Things are still the same ole status quo.  God is still working on me-my heart, my attitude mainly.  It's hard to find joy in the midst of the circumstances-but when I do find the positive in the (very) negative...it helps. 

I will address our infertilty battle in another blog post in the coming days.  Just please keep praying for us-every day is a day I have to remind myself that God is in control and He has not forgotten about us.

Right now-there are greater issues and sadder issues on our plate.

On Friday, May 6, Craig received a phone call from his mom's doctor.  They had found a lump in her breast and all signs points to that it is cancerous. 

Swift kick in the leg #1.  This is something we really never considered happening. 

We saw her the Tuesday after Easter (April 26th) and she was doing splendidly.  She was alert and talkative. Within that next 10 days-her behavior changed.  She started sleeping a lot more.  She went from sleeping 3-4 hours a night to sleeping through the night and taking long naps.  She also started not wanting to eat.

So that first weekend-we spent 3 days in a row there.  It was amazing the change in her.  She has lost so much weight over the past few months.  She is sleeping really hard when we are there.  It's sad.

Swift kick in the leg #2.  The doctor wanted her to go under hospice care.

Ummm...wow.  Again, we weren't prepared for this. 

We got that set up on May 9th.  Let me say that the hospice people are awesome.  They are so caring and concerned with not only my mother-in-law; but for us.  It's great to know that we have people taking good care of her and making her comfortable. 

We have been up several times to visit her in the last 4 weeks.  There have been only a couple of good days (this past Saturday) and many more "bad" days.  But, we are thankful for the days we have to spend with her.



Craig, Katherine, Leesha

 So, please just pray for her.  We have no time table at all.  It could be 2 months, 4 months, 6 months, a year. Who knows?  Only God knows.  Right after we were first married and she had her surgery to remove her brain tumors, she and I talked a lot about God.  We know where she stands-she trusted in Christ for her salvation.  So-we are thankful for that reassurance.  She's 86 1/2 and she's lived a wonderful, yet hard, life.  She's went through the Great Depression, WWII, and God only knows what else.

Please pray for Craig.  He lived with his mom and helped take care of her and the farm after Craig's dad died in 1995.  They are close.  Pray for good visits that we have to remember her by.  Katherine & I are birthday buddies.  Mine is October 7th and she is October 8th.  We always give Craig a hard time about spoiling the two most important women in his life.  He usually succumbs to the pressure with some ice cream. 

Pray for the Nursing Home workers and the Hospice Workers.  They all love her.  No one has ever said anything bad about her.  This will be hard on them, too, to watch her decline.

Thanks for letting me share this.  God has brought us to this, along with everything else going on, and He will bring us through it.

Dealing with Alzheimer's firsthand

(Edited to change a typo.)

Tonight was just a rough night.  A rough night watching my mother-in-law talk about life long ago and not remembering giving birth to her own son.

For those who know the full story, please bear with me. 

This all started about 6 years ago.  Right about the time Craig & I got engaged, we noticed that his mom was having a hard time remembering basic things and we were repeating conversations.  Craig took his mom to the doctor a couple of weeks before our wedding and they ordered an MRI of her brain.

Two days after our wedding, his mom went back to the doctor to follow-up.  We weren't there because we were busy moving my stuff from Peculiar, MO to our temporary rental home.  Craig & I waited to go on our honeymoon until the following week and then the next Wednesday, mom had a follow up appointment with the doctor.  On a whim, Craig decided it was best we go.

I sat in the waiting room when they went back with the doctor.  Craig came out 10 minutes later with an expression on his face I will never ever forget.  His mom had been told that she had 3 tumors on her brain but couldn't remember to tell us.

To make a long story short, she had one tumor removed. We were told that it wouldn't affect the memory, but the whole ordeal in the hospital was an adventure we would all like to forget.  We later took her to be tested and sought out the opinion of a neurologist.  Diagnosis: August 1, 2005-moderate to severe Alzheimer's.

Yikes.
Hold the phone.
We are too young to deal with this.
What are we going to do?

We decided it was best to let mom stay in her own house (I had originally typed in "our" house), but we regularly checked in on her and also called several times a day.  It finally got to a point in October 2009 that she needed to go to the nursing home.  We found a great one in St. Mary's Manor in Blue Springs, MO.  They have a lock-down memory care unit that was just the right fit.

I will never ever forget the day we arrived at the nursing home.  October 24, 2009.  We had put mom in the hospital-per the doctor's orders-for observation.  They heavily sedated her, released her when she couldn't even walk on her own or feed herself.  (Believe me-don't get me started on the HCA hospital she was at-I will never ever go there again.)

We took her to the nursing home...
We walked down the hall...
We took her stuff in with us...
I cried.

Not just a tear rolling down my cheek.  A gut-wrenching sob.

Not for me...for my husband. 
For my mother-in-law.

I hated that it came to this.  We just had no way to take care of her on our own.  I would have had to quit my job to take care of her full time.

But, we were so happy with the nursing home we had chose.  The nurse gave me a hug and told me it would be okay.  I said, "Yeah, I know it will...it just hurts." 

Everything went very well as far as adjustment.  It took close to a year before we were ever asked if she could go home.  Then she realized she was somewhere else-but she just had a new apartment.  Thanks be to God for making this an easy transition.

But, nights like tonight break my heart again.

We were sitting there in mom's room.  I told her what the day was and asked her if she remembered what happened on January 24.

She said she didn't know.

January 24, 1969?

She said, "It snowed."

I said, "Well, maybe, but you were in labor."

She said, "I was?"

I said, "Yep.  You had a little boy.  And Monday, your little baby boy is turning 42."

She said, "He is?"

I said, "Yep.  Maybe you should tell him Happy Birthday.  He's sitting right next to you."

She said, "Oh. Well, I just don't remember that. But, if you say it happened, then alright."  "Happy Birthday, sweetie."

I hate it for my husband that his own mom can't remember his birth.  I hate those nights when she can't even remember his name.  She just calls him her good buddy.

There is so much more that goes on that would literally rip your heart out if you could watch this.  Alzheimer's is a very cruel disease.  I wish that it never had to exist.  I hate that my husband has to watch his mom succumb to this. I see the tears in his eyes when his mom forgets his name, or she talks about having a conversation with her mom & dad. She asks if we have let them know where she is at.  We just smile and say, yes. 

It's what you do.  It's how you deal with Alzheimer's firsthand.  You just love and remember the good times with the person as they want. 

And you cope.
And you survive...somehow.

2010: The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

Honestly, I cannot lie.  I can't wait for 2010 to be over.  I'm ready for a fresh, new start.  This year for the most part has been the toughest I have had to go through for so many reasons.

What was good about it?  Right now, I would like to say nothing, but I know that is furthest from the truth.  In February, Craig was spared from injury when a set of a dual tires off of a semi trailer came flying at him from the opposite side of the interstate at 70 MPH and totalled our van.  We got a new van out of the deal that I like very much...so I guess that's good.  Gotta love the free Sirius radio!

The van

The Duals

                                             

                             

We got to go on THREE Vacations for THREE WHOLE WEEKS! 

• First we went to Gatlinburg, TN for a week in August.  We had so much fun: We hiked up the Smoky Mountains, saw 5 bears, and got lots of great pictures. I also got to catch up with a High School friend that I had not seen since we graduated in 1993! We also went to the Nascar races in Bristol, TN.  It was total fun.  I wish I could go to every race there!





Craig & me at the Great Smoky Mountains


• Second-we went to Branson, MO for a week in September.  It wasn't busy at all which is soooo nice. We went to the Dixie Stampede and we met a really nice older couple there. Then we ran into them 2 more times at Silver Dollar City and then at the Branson Landing!  We just had a great time of getting away from it all.
• Third-we went back to Branson for the week of Thanksgiving.  We own a timeshare down there, so yes-we spend lots of time there.  We went to 3 shows, dinner & a show on the Branson Belle (which wrecked 2 weeks later), and Silver Dollar City.  We also started shopping at 4 AM on Black Friday. The only reason we didn't get up sooner was because we were able to shop online!



Dad, Mom, Grandma, me, and Craig at Silver Dollar City

 Of course, we went to all of the races out at the Kansas Speedway this year.  We spent time with friends one night at their house, and then tailgated with some other friends.  It's great that a sport can bring so many people together.



Me signing the start/finish line.




Craig & me on the track




Tony Stewart & his crew.



The Bad?  There was lots.  First, my Grandpa Mitchell (my dad's step-dad) died of his cancer on May 4. Secondly, my Granny Rule (mom's mom) died 25 days later on May 29 from a bacterial infection.  It really stinks to lose a family member, but having 2 deaths within 3.5 weeks time just is plain awful.  The good from it: Both professed to have accepted Christ so at least I have hope that I will see them again in Heaven.



With Grandma & Grandpa Mitchell Christmas 2009




With Granny 3 weeks before she left us


The Ugly?  So much.  Many of you finally found out that we were infertile; mostly because I was having to deal with my feelings in front of everyone since my sister was pregnant.  I had been able to hide from pregnant women and my feelings for the previous 2 years.  How do you explain to people that you are excited for your family, but you are literally dying on the inside...and sometimes on the outside.  Then when you are going through those feelings-everyone is judging you.  They have absolutely no clue what it's like but yet they think they know best.  It's hard to explain to people your loss each month and then try to defend that it is indeed a loss-because they tell you that it's ridiculous to cry & grieve.  It's the loss of a dream, loss of hope, a loss of a chance.

I know that I have not handled everything the way I should have-and for that I am sorry.  Please accept this apology from me. But, I tried to deal with it...I tried to work through it. That I'm even still here is a testament that God has sustained me.  Believe me, there were days I did not want to wake up-the grief was so unbearable.  (I know I am not the only infertile who has felt this despair.) I couldn't have made it through without the help of my husband and my wonderful new friends from Hannah's Prayer and some of my dear friends whom I have known for years that are in the same shoes as us.  They provided the support that we needed when others backed away.  I'm grateful to each one of you-and you know who you are.



Braelyn & Sienna at our house Christmas Eve 2010



The good from it? Yes-we love our nieces. They have a long road ahead of them since they were born so early-so please pray for them. But, I can't lie-my heart twists and turns each time I see them.  Just the pangs you have to deal with as an infertile are somedays overwhelming-but I do deal with them because God gives me the strength to work through my pain.

Ironically-well, maybe not-Craig & I grew even closer in our relationship this year.  Probably because of everything that we have been through.  Many people also forget that Craig's mom is in the nursing home.  It's tough to see my mother-in-law have to be there, but we are so thankful she is cared for. 

So, what do I hope for 2011? Well, besides the obvious of somehow, someway having a child-I hope that God continues to give grace and strength.  I pray that we would stay healthy.  Who doesn't want that? I pray that we will rest in His will for us---that is so much easier to say (or type) than it is to actually do it.  I hope my relationships with my family continue to heal-now that they have some idea of the pain I've been going through.

I pray that you will all be able to find the joy of knowing God and that He loves us all and He sent His Son to pay the price for our sins.  I pray that I can be an encouragement to you somehow.  Like I said before, I know I don't do everything right (who does?) but I'm glad that I have a Father in heaven who loves me and forgives me and sustains me.  Thank you, God for all you do that I don't deserve. 

So that leaves just one last thing:

Just remember...

As we look forward to this Christmas holiday season, I wanted to take the time to remind you to Just Remember a few things.

As you are dreading getting together with your family because a certain family member who annoys you or who has wronged you will be there...
     Just Remember that there is someone out there who is grieving the fact that a certain family member   will no longer be a part of their Christmas, or the rest of their life here on Earth.

As you are watching your children open up their gifts, and dreading the bills that will follow for all of the money you spent on them...
     Just Remember that there is a couple out there who has to go through yet another Christmas without a child to spoil or to love on because they are infertile-their last treatment failed, they have gotten another "not pregnant" result on a test, or they had a failed adoption. 

As you sit down to a lavish feast/meal at a family get-together...
     Just Remember that there is someone out there who is starving and doesn't have any bit of food on their plate.

As you keep warm & cozy in your home with your fireplace, blankets, hot chocolate...
     Just Remember that there is someone out there who has just lost their home and doesn't have warmth & coziness.

As you go to that office party with those annoying co-workers...
     Just Remember that there is someone out there who has been looking for a job for weeks, months, or maybe even years and is now losing their unemployment benefits.

As you reflect upon the child-Jesus, who came to this Earth as a Babe to be born in a lowly manger...
     Just Remember that the story doesn't end there.  He came to this Earth, sent from the Heavenly Father above, to be born, to take on human flesh, so that one Friday 33 years later He would take upon the weight of the sin of the world.  He took my punishment, your punishment---EVERYONE'S punishment so that we might have eternal life...but only if we accept that free gift of salvation. 


Just Remember...Just Be Thankful for the blessings you have in your life-because somewhere someone would gladly trade places with you.

Friday Five-Yes, I "borrowed" this theme

                                                                                


My good friend, Esther took this idea from another friend, Rachel and I liked it!  I had asked if I could steal it (or borrow if you prefer that terminology better) and was told to "Go for it!"

So, here are my 5 events or things or whatever that happened to me this past week.

1. I have been doing the chore of feeding our 8 dogs every night for the past week by myself since Craig has been out in the field harvesting until the cows come home.  Okay, our cows are already home, but Craig doesn't get in until the earliest time of 8 it seems right now.  It's been fun!  Last night-I let all of the dogs run around and we had a grand time. I think they are all in shock of how much attention they are getting.  I also get my work out in for the day by running and walking around with them. Who says dogs aren't therapy and who can resist a face like this?

2. Made the decision to get my Insurance Producer's License...again!  I had it once back in 2006 and it expired in 2008 right before I came back to work.  So, I will begin studying my pretty little head off and hopefully pass it in one shot!

3. Made mush.  Some of you know that this is a pretty common dish in our household.  But, this week, even more special as today would have been my Granny's 85th birthday.  She passed away this May.  She used to make the best mush.  When she was in the assisted living home and then the nursing home, she didn't get it anymore. I would make some right before we would come visit and she would even eat it cold-she told me I did a good job.  This is the last picture I have of us with Granny on Mother's Day and she was gone only 3 weeks later.

I also make some killer macaroni & cheese just like she did.  You bake it...that's the secret.  My oldest cousin and I used to have a contest to see who would eat the most when we were growing up.  The adults just prayed that there was some left when they came through the line!


4. Decided that I really love the new CBS Drama-Hawaii Five-O.  I barely remember the original, but we enjoy the new one a lot.  We just didn't need another show to make sure and DVR.  If you haven't watched it yet-you need to.  It's pretty intense and not cheesy!

5. Made it through another week.  Sometimes-the days just get too hard and the hours don't pass quickly enough.  Some days it's just a decision to choose to see the good in all the bad that is going on. It's tough to find the silver lining in the clouds.  But one thing we have decided-we aren't giving up.  I am just glad that we have a God who loves us and is walking beside us as we continue to wait for the answer to our prayer.

What God has been teaching me/us

This will probably be a rambling post, but please bear with me.  The past week has been one of growth and stretching for me.  It's also been a week where Craig & I have been drawn closer together because this is OUR battle that we are fighting together, along with God's help. 

What I have come to realize is this: God is still on the throne.  He still loves us.  He sees each tear that is cried.  He sees the future.  He holds us in the palm of His hand.  Our infertility battle just plain stinks.  There is no way of denying that fact.  Yes, every day, there is a pang of despair.  There are moments when you feel like a failure.  There are moments that you just want to crawl in a hole and never come out.  There are moments that I do feel like God isn't caring about what is going on.  There are moments that I know I am driving Craig up a wall because I'm sad. There are moments when I want to lash out at people for their insensitive comments.  There are moments that I wish someone would just come up to me and put their arm around me and say, "I'm sorry." or "How are you doing?" But, some people can't do that because they haven't been down this road and don't know how to act or react.  They don't understand that some days are just worse than others and all you need is a hug.  They don't understand that there are times that maybe they should just be silent and let me vent.  I can't lie about these things: these are honest & real emotions. 

I can honestly say that this past Sunday was the first Sunday that I didn't cry during the message.  It was the first Sunday that I felt like even singing during congregational hymn time.  I wasn't always believing the words on the pages of the Bible and in the Hymnal.  They were there, but they just weren't comforting.  BUT...God was patient with me and He worked in me and Craig.  He also worked through Craig, because I know Craig hurts, too...but he has borne the brunt of my emotions.  He has held me while I've cried when I get my BFN for the month. He has held my hand while we talked with the doctor.  He has been my human strength.  We would love to have a child who is a reflection of our love for one another, and so far, we have just been denied that.  For well over THIRTY SIX months.  When you type it out like that, it's pretty overwhelming.  (I know there are people out there who have dealt with this a lot longer than us...I am just letting you know what is specific to us.)

We may never know this side of Heaven why we have been allowed this time in our lives.  I don't know.  Maybe it was so we could grow closer together and grow in our faith.  Believe me, that faith has waivered quite a bit.  (Again, just me honestly speaking here.) I think I am coming to the place where I realize that there is nothing I can do in my own selfish human power to change our situation.  We have to leave this in God's hands.  Yep...much easier said than done.  But, I am working on that.  It is very hard to sit back and say, "Okay, God.  It's Yours!" when inside you are still wondering if the day will ever come that we FINALLY find out that we are pregnant.  I am slowly turning this over to God to work in this situation.  There are still a lot of unknowns and frankly, I hate it.  I like to solve problems and have an answer posthaste.  But, again, God knows the outcome.  He knows if we will ever have a biological child.  I can't say that I'm ready to accept an answer of no just yet.  It hurts too much to think that there could possibly never be a little girl with blonde hair that looks up to her daddy or never be a little boy who wants to be a farmer like his daddy or either one of them will love to watch NASCAR with their mommy & daddy.  That hurts so much more than you know.  But...I HAVE to leave it to God.  That is what He commands us to do...lay our burdens down at His feet.

This is our burden, so I will try very hard to lay it at His feet.  I may try to snatch it up again and solve it on my own, but I'll have to lay it right back down again.  Please keep praying for us.  That is all I can say for now.

Our struggle...

Okay, so I think it's finally time to start writing about what our struggle has been. It's infertility. Some of our closest friends & some of the family know about this struggle, so this may come as some sort of shock to the rest of you.

Ever since I was 2 and was doting on my baby dolls and then my baby sister, I knew I wanted to have a baby. I started baby-sitting for families in our church at the age of 12. One family, in particular, had such faith in me that I remember them leaving their less than 1 month old daughter with me, along with their 3 boys. I've been in love with kids ever since. I have always been active & involved in the churches I have attended with kids' ministries. Whether that be Awana, Patch the Pirate Club, Children's Church, nursery, Kid's Choir, Kid's Cantatas, etc...you name it, I've probably done it. I love being around kids. In fact yesterday, our Pastor's youngest sat with me and just cuddled because she was tired. (double sigh)

Well, I got married when I was 29 and Craig was 36. We knew that we were already "up there" in years (compared to so many 20-somethings having them right & left), so having a family would need to come sooner than later. But, life took a different course for us right after the start of marriage. 2 weeks after we were married, my mother-in-law (MIL) had 3 brain tumors. Long story short=Alzheimer's was the final diagnosis on top of the brain tumors. (Not caused by the tumors) So, a lot of things were put on hold.

I also lost my health insurance when we got married. Craig is a farmer so we have to pay for our own. Not many good plans out there for maternity/infertility treatment so we knew 100% our responsibility. I found a new job back in 2007, but only 6 months into it, job was going to be outsourced, and I lost it only 11 months into it. I lost health insurance again. Well, we had started trying to plan our family while on this job. I was devastated. I knew that if we had trouble, we were literally up a creek.

Fast forward to this year: 3 years of trying, ready for a pregancy and for some reason God has said no. Wow...that's really a bitter pill to swallow. It's so hard when you want something to be denied it. It's really hard to think that something that seems so easy would be hard for us. I have had some bloodwork done and an HSG. It shows that everything appears normal & nothing of concern. It's kind of bittersweet diagnosis. You are grateful nothing is wrong medically, but you almost wish there was because then maybe it could be fixed.

So, now, we just wait again. We would appreciate your prayers for us. Of course, this affects me greater than Craig, because you know how all the female hormones work. =) But, we press on. Craig has been a great support for me throughout this journey. In fact sometimes, he has more positive thoughts than I do. The hardest thing right now, is watching others become pregnant before us. People who have been trying for a lot less time end up successful. You are happy for others, but you have to watch them anticipate the birth of their child. It just really stinks for us, because we can't conceive. My sister is pregnant with twins. I love the babies already, it's just hard for me to think about us not being successful and our lives are going to change with the addition to our family. I feel like we are on the outside looking in. It's a very hard place to be in, to say the least. Joy and sorrow...all at the same time.

So, I will be using this blog just maybe as a vent sometimes. Other times, it will be about other things going on in our life.

Please pray for us. It has been a time of waiting, stretching, fighting emotions that are so great that sometimes you just don't even want to get up out of bed. It takes a lot of grace and reliance on the Lord to make it through it.

90 degrees and 100% humidity=sweat

Yesterday, I spent all day down at my brother-in-law & sister's (Aaron & Lori) house to get ready for our 3 day garage sale extravaganza! We have a lot of stuff to get rid of. We were going to have a sale last fall, but because Lori & I were coaching volleyball, that went out the window and we just accumulated a lot more. So, add our stuff together along with mom & dad's and our friend's...we have a virtual store. I already made $85 today in 4 hours, so I'm doing pretty well I would say. =)

Craig is finally going to get the rest of the soybeans planted tomorrow, if the rain holds off. We are hoping for it. He's been repairing and then replacing a tire on the tractor so he's been delay...AGAIN. Oh well, such are the joys of farm life, because there is always something that comes up. Once he gets done with soybeans, he will start mowing hay for all of our cows. And somewhere in there, we will have to sort cattle to take them to auction.

I'm just amazed how much God keeps working in my life, especially. Going through trials sure make you run the gamut of emotions: you're sad, then depressed, then somehow you make it through the valley and start to see the light. I'm so grateful for God's love and His mercy and strength. The more I talk to people about what is going on, the more I see God working in other's lives. It's very encouraging.

Well, I need to get with it and finish cooking supper. The life of a farmwife...we eat supper at 9:30 PM. It's wonderful when you want to watch your weight and you eat so late! Blessings to you all!

The last week in a nutshell

What a varying degree of emotions I had in the past week. Funerals are a time of reflection on someone's life here on this Earth. I have been to funerals where there was hope of seeing that loved one or friend again in Heaven, and funerals where there was absolutely positively no hope...because that person was not a believer. How grateful I am that at my Granny's funeral her life was celebrated, the Gospel was preached...and I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I will be reunited with her one day in Heaven. But why will I? Because I was good? Because I read my Bible? Because I helped others? Most certainly not. It is because I have put my faith in Jesus Christ and I know that the ONLY way to Heaven is accepting his free gift of salvation. Jesus died on the cross for my sins & for yours...but the question is, do you believe in Him? Do you trust in Him?
It's been a week of stretching and growing. With the death of 2 of my grandparents in 3 weeks time, we have also been going through something else. I have had to realize and remind myself DAILY that God is in control. He sees our hurts, he sees our desires, he sees our tears...it's just hard waiting on Him. But, I'm thankful for those who are praying and who are lifting us up daily...for without those prayers we would be sunk.

A no-good, rotten day

Yesterday was a pretty tough day. Not only was I dealing with grief from the previous day, I got even more bad news...my Granny passed away. Now, she had been sick a lot this year due to a fall she had in January when she broke her leg. She was in the hospital due to an intestinal infection. She was doing fine, when I called 20 minutes before she died. That's how quick she went.
So, now we are headed back to Illinois for the 2nd time in 3 1/2 weeks for a funeral for a grandparent. Add on top of that the grief for the loss I suffered on Friday, and I am just brokenhearted. Today, I'm clinging to Psalm 38:14. The Lord is CLOSE to the brokenhearted & saves those who are crushed in spirit. Yep, I'm pretty much crushed in spirit. I just do not know what this has all happened at once. Well, part of it has been going on for several months (more like years), but you know what I mean. I try to muddle through it and the cycle just keeps repeating itself. I need strength from the Lord...I know He sees my/our grieving heart(s), I'm just tired and worn out. I would appreciate your prayers for us at this time.