Prayers needed for my Mother-in-law

I can't believe that it's been almost two months since I've blogged.

Goodness...I'm a neglecter of all things bloggie.                                    

Well, I have no excuse other than to say I have forgotten.

Things are still the same ole status quo.  God is still working on me-my heart, my attitude mainly.  It's hard to find joy in the midst of the circumstances-but when I do find the positive in the (very) negative...it helps. 

I will address our infertilty battle in another blog post in the coming days.  Just please keep praying for us-every day is a day I have to remind myself that God is in control and He has not forgotten about us.

Right now-there are greater issues and sadder issues on our plate.

On Friday, May 6, Craig received a phone call from his mom's doctor.  They had found a lump in her breast and all signs points to that it is cancerous. 

Swift kick in the leg #1.  This is something we really never considered happening. 

We saw her the Tuesday after Easter (April 26th) and she was doing splendidly.  She was alert and talkative. Within that next 10 days-her behavior changed.  She started sleeping a lot more.  She went from sleeping 3-4 hours a night to sleeping through the night and taking long naps.  She also started not wanting to eat.

So that first weekend-we spent 3 days in a row there.  It was amazing the change in her.  She has lost so much weight over the past few months.  She is sleeping really hard when we are there.  It's sad.

Swift kick in the leg #2.  The doctor wanted her to go under hospice care.

Ummm...wow.  Again, we weren't prepared for this. 

We got that set up on May 9th.  Let me say that the hospice people are awesome.  They are so caring and concerned with not only my mother-in-law; but for us.  It's great to know that we have people taking good care of her and making her comfortable. 

We have been up several times to visit her in the last 4 weeks.  There have been only a couple of good days (this past Saturday) and many more "bad" days.  But, we are thankful for the days we have to spend with her.



Craig, Katherine, Leesha

 So, please just pray for her.  We have no time table at all.  It could be 2 months, 4 months, 6 months, a year. Who knows?  Only God knows.  Right after we were first married and she had her surgery to remove her brain tumors, she and I talked a lot about God.  We know where she stands-she trusted in Christ for her salvation.  So-we are thankful for that reassurance.  She's 86 1/2 and she's lived a wonderful, yet hard, life.  She's went through the Great Depression, WWII, and God only knows what else.

Please pray for Craig.  He lived with his mom and helped take care of her and the farm after Craig's dad died in 1995.  They are close.  Pray for good visits that we have to remember her by.  Katherine & I are birthday buddies.  Mine is October 7th and she is October 8th.  We always give Craig a hard time about spoiling the two most important women in his life.  He usually succumbs to the pressure with some ice cream. 

Pray for the Nursing Home workers and the Hospice Workers.  They all love her.  No one has ever said anything bad about her.  This will be hard on them, too, to watch her decline.

Thanks for letting me share this.  God has brought us to this, along with everything else going on, and He will bring us through it.

Ain't no mountain high enough...with God's help.

Last night, I couldn't sleep. 
I had too much on my mind.

I told Craig that there just seems to be too many insurmountable mountains in my way, and I can't go around them.  For some reason, I'm meant to climb them.  Well, we are meant to climb them.  As I have said before, when you are dealing with wanting to have a child, and you can't...you get through/over one hurdle only to come face to face with another. 

It got me to thinking about climbing the mountain and doing it with all my heart.  Even though it's tough and it seems insurmountable on so many levels-I can do it.  Where would I get the inspiration?

Then it hit me...trip to the Smoky Mountains 2008 and our trek to the top of Clingman's Dome.

Now, Colorado people-don't hate me and think me a wimp, but for this midwestern girl to climb up to the top of a 6,643 foot mountain-it takes a lot of effort.  I was greatly out of shape and it was HOT and HUMID...which does not bode well for someone who has fought asthma.  I was not looking forward to the climb-but I wanted to see the top.

Not only was I in for the long haul, but there were two sets of people I observed and now that I think about it, their climb up to the top of Clingman's Dome really relates to my life.

First-there was an older lady in her 70's with a knee brace and a cane.
Second-there was a family of about 7 with the dad pushing 2 in a stroller, and another 3 walking with them.

Granted, it took us awhile to get to the top.  I also might mention that we were vacationing with my sister & brother-in-law.  So, here I am at all 5'5 3/4" of me, with Lori at 5'10"ish, Craig at 6' and Aaron 6'2 or 3".  (sorry if I got it wrong Aaron!)  Hello...tall people get longer strides!!  Short people have to take 2 steps for every one step that a tall person takes.  So, I was already at a disadvantage. 

But, you know what?  I made it.

But, what honestly sticks in my mind is not me making it to the top-but this woman, and this family.

We had been up at the top for awhile and were taking pictures and then decided it was time to head on-namely go eat.  As we were coming down the ramp, we met the woman walking.  She had sweat dripping off of her, she was huffing and puffing, she looked like she was at the end of her rope.  But you know what?

She was smiling. 

I think about that often in our life-how often we are crippled with events, attitudes, people, etc that to all others might hinder our "mountain climb" but yet-we press on and when we are able to reach to the top of that mountain-we can smile and say, "HEY PEOPLE...I MADE IT!"  Even though we might look like we are the last person on this earth that is capable of climbing that mountain-we can do it with determination.

And as for that man with his family?  Remember he was pushing 2 children in a stroller and there were at least 3 others walking on their own.  Well...as we made our trek up, each of the kids started dropping and couldn't go further.  I even heard a couple of cries.

But, what did this man do?  He was a dad...what else could he do?  He would stop and tell the older ones...you can make it.  I won't leave you.  He kept pushing the others in the stroller-taking all of the burden of the walk onto him. Eventually I saw him even let the others hop on the stroller and even on his back to help them.

Oh...so much like our Heavenly Father.  He reaches out and encourages us.  He says, "You can make this." "I won't leave you." 

"I will carry you and take this burden. We will make it to the top together.  Let me push you up and I won't let go!"

My point is this...if you stop and look, God speaks and gives us earthly examples of His unconditional love, His strength, His care.  Everywhere is where God is.

Even in a climb up a literal mountain in the Smokies.

I was on a hiatus...

My faithful followers and "some-timer's" probably wonder what in the world has happened to me. 

I was on a break.  (Doesn't that sound so Ross & Rachel-esque?)

Part of it was I just needed to take a break, and part of it was---where did the time go?  Holy cow, I don't know!  I was finishing up our taxes which had to be done by Feburary 28th due to the joys of self-employment.  I am happy to report that they got done! 

The taking a break part-I don't know, I just needed to "detox" myself.  We have been through a LOT in the last several years and I think all of it was just taking a toll.  We have seen a lot of loved ones die, we put Craig's mom in the nursing home, and we have been battling this infertility thing for several years.  I was emotionally and physically exhausted.

I guess I will sound selfish-but I needed some me and Craig only time.  We just spent time around home working on our taxes, organizing our basement, going to some auctions, going antiquing, and out to eat. Thank goodness for all of those free meals and gift cards!

But, I'm thankful for it.  I'm back to the place where I can find joy in our trials.  It's hard...so very hard to do that when you just want to scream and cry and punch something.  Now, don't think for a moment that I don't have those times when I do cry-because I do; we do.  But, God is molding me/us and is shaping us.  Granted, I don't like going through the fire and being pressed in on every side-I would trade it in a hearbeat.  But, these trials have taught me a lot.

I'll probably expound on them in later posts, because if I did it tonight, I think I would be here all evening. Besides, each point is a good one.

So, I just wanted to let you all know, I am still alive and kicking.  And in some ways, I am doing better.

The rambling thoughts from the past few days

I have a confession.                                      

It is hard to be hopeful anymore.

But yet, somewhere deep inside of me, I know that I have to be. Or else I would sink into a pit of depression and despair so deep that it would consume every aspect of my life. 

Oh, my friend, so much easier said than done. 

I was telling Craig the other night (as we were on our way home from celebrating his birthday...all by ourselves) that it's just hard to accept that right now there are no kids in our lives. 

I long for that day when I can teach our child to root for Tony Stewart, Carl Edwards, Clint Bowyer and yell BOOOOO at Jimmie Johnson. 
I long for that day when Craig can take our child out on a tractor ride.
I long for that day when our dogs come and lick our child to death and there are those happy little giggles squealing, "Chuggie!  You my doggie!"

It has been a very rough week coming off of another failed cycle/month.  This coupled with the actual timing of it. 

It has been 4 years since we wanted to expand our family.  (Not start. Our family started on March 19, 2005.)  We had some roadblocks at the beginning that were not of our choosing that put the plans on temporary hold, but nonetheless---4 years. 

I don't know how other couples have made it longer than this.  Well, maybe I do.  It's a little thing called grace & God's strength.

Can you just pray for us?  This is just hard to accept right now and we need strength. 

But most of all, we need compassion.  Not advice, just compassion.  A simple hug and a shoulder to cry on mean the world.  Not only to us, but to anyone in our shoes.  Or anyone going through anything that is a trial. After all, that is what we should all do-be there for one another instead of running away.

Until hope returns, we'll just keep pressing on and remembering that God still loves us and He hasn't forgotten us.

2010: The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

Honestly, I cannot lie.  I can't wait for 2010 to be over.  I'm ready for a fresh, new start.  This year for the most part has been the toughest I have had to go through for so many reasons.

What was good about it?  Right now, I would like to say nothing, but I know that is furthest from the truth.  In February, Craig was spared from injury when a set of a dual tires off of a semi trailer came flying at him from the opposite side of the interstate at 70 MPH and totalled our van.  We got a new van out of the deal that I like very much...so I guess that's good.  Gotta love the free Sirius radio!

The van

The Duals

                                             

                             

We got to go on THREE Vacations for THREE WHOLE WEEKS! 

• First we went to Gatlinburg, TN for a week in August.  We had so much fun: We hiked up the Smoky Mountains, saw 5 bears, and got lots of great pictures. I also got to catch up with a High School friend that I had not seen since we graduated in 1993! We also went to the Nascar races in Bristol, TN.  It was total fun.  I wish I could go to every race there!





Craig & me at the Great Smoky Mountains


• Second-we went to Branson, MO for a week in September.  It wasn't busy at all which is soooo nice. We went to the Dixie Stampede and we met a really nice older couple there. Then we ran into them 2 more times at Silver Dollar City and then at the Branson Landing!  We just had a great time of getting away from it all.
• Third-we went back to Branson for the week of Thanksgiving.  We own a timeshare down there, so yes-we spend lots of time there.  We went to 3 shows, dinner & a show on the Branson Belle (which wrecked 2 weeks later), and Silver Dollar City.  We also started shopping at 4 AM on Black Friday. The only reason we didn't get up sooner was because we were able to shop online!



Dad, Mom, Grandma, me, and Craig at Silver Dollar City

 Of course, we went to all of the races out at the Kansas Speedway this year.  We spent time with friends one night at their house, and then tailgated with some other friends.  It's great that a sport can bring so many people together.



Me signing the start/finish line.




Craig & me on the track




Tony Stewart & his crew.



The Bad?  There was lots.  First, my Grandpa Mitchell (my dad's step-dad) died of his cancer on May 4. Secondly, my Granny Rule (mom's mom) died 25 days later on May 29 from a bacterial infection.  It really stinks to lose a family member, but having 2 deaths within 3.5 weeks time just is plain awful.  The good from it: Both professed to have accepted Christ so at least I have hope that I will see them again in Heaven.



With Grandma & Grandpa Mitchell Christmas 2009




With Granny 3 weeks before she left us


The Ugly?  So much.  Many of you finally found out that we were infertile; mostly because I was having to deal with my feelings in front of everyone since my sister was pregnant.  I had been able to hide from pregnant women and my feelings for the previous 2 years.  How do you explain to people that you are excited for your family, but you are literally dying on the inside...and sometimes on the outside.  Then when you are going through those feelings-everyone is judging you.  They have absolutely no clue what it's like but yet they think they know best.  It's hard to explain to people your loss each month and then try to defend that it is indeed a loss-because they tell you that it's ridiculous to cry & grieve.  It's the loss of a dream, loss of hope, a loss of a chance.

I know that I have not handled everything the way I should have-and for that I am sorry.  Please accept this apology from me. But, I tried to deal with it...I tried to work through it. That I'm even still here is a testament that God has sustained me.  Believe me, there were days I did not want to wake up-the grief was so unbearable.  (I know I am not the only infertile who has felt this despair.) I couldn't have made it through without the help of my husband and my wonderful new friends from Hannah's Prayer and some of my dear friends whom I have known for years that are in the same shoes as us.  They provided the support that we needed when others backed away.  I'm grateful to each one of you-and you know who you are.



Braelyn & Sienna at our house Christmas Eve 2010



The good from it? Yes-we love our nieces. They have a long road ahead of them since they were born so early-so please pray for them. But, I can't lie-my heart twists and turns each time I see them.  Just the pangs you have to deal with as an infertile are somedays overwhelming-but I do deal with them because God gives me the strength to work through my pain.

Ironically-well, maybe not-Craig & I grew even closer in our relationship this year.  Probably because of everything that we have been through.  Many people also forget that Craig's mom is in the nursing home.  It's tough to see my mother-in-law have to be there, but we are so thankful she is cared for. 

So, what do I hope for 2011? Well, besides the obvious of somehow, someway having a child-I hope that God continues to give grace and strength.  I pray that we would stay healthy.  Who doesn't want that? I pray that we will rest in His will for us---that is so much easier to say (or type) than it is to actually do it.  I hope my relationships with my family continue to heal-now that they have some idea of the pain I've been going through.

I pray that you will all be able to find the joy of knowing God and that He loves us all and He sent His Son to pay the price for our sins.  I pray that I can be an encouragement to you somehow.  Like I said before, I know I don't do everything right (who does?) but I'm glad that I have a Father in heaven who loves me and forgives me and sustains me.  Thank you, God for all you do that I don't deserve. 

So that leaves just one last thing:

They say confession is good for the soul...

So, maybe that is what I should do.  We, as humans sometimes see confessing sin/apologizing/humbling ourselves as a sign of weakness. 

That isn't what it is.  God sees it as as a call to obedience and somehow, methinks He delights when His Children see that they are wrong and call on Him to forgive and restore their relationship with Him. I know I delight when people come to me and ask for forgiveness when they have hurt me.

This week, we found out for like the 40th month in a row (not realizing I was infertile until just about a year ago) that we weren't pregnant again.  I was mad, angry, and just down right livid. I really didn't cry a lot-I was just silent. How could God do this to us again? Haven't we suffered enough? And believe me, there were a lot more questions and a lot more anger.  I've been inundated with pregnancy announcements and some of them are just mind-blowing.  It just adds to the anger of WHY NOT US??? Honestly, I didn't want to hear anything about God the rest of the day...but you know, as always, God had other plans. 

Later on, the anger just became grief and I cried and cried and cried.  I laid in bed that night and just asked Craig, WHY?  He says, I don't know but he's sorry.  I know that it bothers him, and I know it hurts him to see me in emotional pain (and then the physical pain).  I know that it hurts him, too.  He says he doesn't know why we have to go through all of this.

I came to that place where I had to remind myself that God was there: He was still loving me and perhaps even carrying me the past few days.  Actually, He still is carrying me: Because truth be told, I would rather just hide out in my house and not come out.  I am thankful for the grace and forgiveness the Lord gives.  Now, don't for one moment think that it just "cures" the questions.  It doesn't.  They are still there.  I really don't understand why we have to keep going through this and why there are so many hurt feelings.

But that is when I have to remind myself...The rain falls on the just and the unjust.  God is soverign, He is in control.  It is very hard to rest in Him when my heart is breaking.  But, rest I must.  Call upon God, I must. (try to) Be patient, I must.  Confess my hurts, my sin, my attitude-I must.  If I don't, then it will eat me alive and cause me to be bitter.

I was bitter for a day this week, but then I realized that God does love me and He loves every single child of His that is hurting. 

• For when we are weak, He is strong.
• When we are sorry, He is forgiving.
• When we are sad, He gives us a reason to be glad.
• When we are hopeless, He reminds us to be hopeful.
• When we are sad, He can give us joy.

Not for one moment do I claim to be a perfect human being, let alone a perfect Christian.  I'm just glad I can seek forgiveness and I have Someone to carry me through it all.

I know some of you out there are hurting very deeply and are in the same position I am in.  Maybe you aren't dealing with infertility, but maybe it's the loss of a job, the loss of a loved one, a failing marriage.  It's hard to find joy in the midst of strife-but it's there. 

Believe me, I'm preaching at myself more than anything-it's down right hard!!  I hope one day I can look back on all of this suffering, grief, and the anger that I once had and see how God brought us through it.  But, until then, I know I will make mistakes and I know I won't always have the right attitude.  At least I know that God will be on my side and will welcome me back into His loving arms and hold me tight.

Monday, Monday.

What happened to the weekend?  I lost it somewhere.  If you find it, please return ASAP!

It was a fun weekend and one that I needed for emotional strengthening.  Craig & I made a trip up to the city-okay-Kansas City for all you who have no clue what I'm talking about-last Friday.  We had a fun day shopping because we were looking for a new laptop since our other one went kaput with the screen.  We found out that HP has a class action lawsuit against them for the failure we are experiencing.  Isn't that fun?

Anyway-we got our new laptop and then Saturday-lo and behold-the old one starts working again.  So, now it is fun for us to both be on the computer at the same time. Saturday was a great day of just spending time with Craig and relaxing.

Sunday-after church-I met up with some of my HP friends from the Kansas City area.  We had a fun time of shopping out at the Legends Shopping Center and then we sat and vegetated awhile at a bakery enjoying cookies, brownies, danishes, and creme horns.  I have mentioned before, but I am SOOOOOO thankful for HP and the gals I have met either IRL or just online from there.  These ladies are so supportive and so understanding of the pain that I face daily-because they are experiencing the same thing. 

My heart is still very heavy and only getting worse as each day, week, month, and year passes.  I know I have said this before-but it becomes harder to press on when people repeatedly treat you like you are diseased.  They leave you out, they talk about you behind your back, they don't listen to your hurts and they have no idea what to say or what to do when you tell them what is going on.  Nothing sucks more than people just telling you that you don't have enough faith or them telling you that you should just be happy.  I just keep praying that things will change-not just to have a child-but that people's eyes would be open on how to be sensitive to others in this situation.  As I have said before-if a person has cancer-you don't just ignore them because you don't have cancer.  You reach out to them and support them and love them.  It would be one thing to go through Infertility with true genuine IRL support, but when you don't have it, the problem is magnified twenty-fold.

It's hard to walk a mile in these shoes-but I'm glad for the new friends that have been brought into my life and for the deepening of my relationship with my awesome husband. 

Never judge a book by it's cover.

Once again, I feel like I'm forced to defend myself.  People are making snap judgements about me and they do not know the whole story.  It has been questioned why I do or do not do certain things.  People forget...I am an Infertile woman.  Some things are not comfortable for me to do because they bring me to a place where I just want to weep for the pain of being childless.  Some things are done a certain way because we have decided it is what I have to do to maintain my sanity.  I guess some people just think that it's uncaring, unthoughtful, stupid, or whatever other adjective they can come up with.  What people don't realize is how painful it is to go to baby showers, look at pictures of babies, talk about babies when you have just found out that you have missed another month or you have been given some bad news.  They make judgements about posts on Facebook.  They assume they know the truth-but they don't.  They think I'm being selfish, jealous, inconsiderate, cold, etc-but I'm not.  I'm doing what I need to do at certain times to protect my heart.  I may come across that I'm mad at the world-but it is just a steel curtain/wall going up to protect my heart.  This past weekend, at my sister's shower 1 person came up to me and said I can't imagine what it took for you to be here today.  I broke down and cried-they acknowledged my pain and didn't judge me.  Thank God for that person.

So, why do I write this?  I want people to come to me if they are "concerned" for me.  I want people to not go behind my back and spread false lies.  I want people to find out the truth from me.  If you have questions, ask me.  A lot of people don't want to ask about infertility because it's uncomfortable for them.  They don't want to understand or can't understand. 

I saw this quote from Former First Lady Laura Bush describing their battle with infertility and it pretty much sums it up.

"The English language lacks the words 'to mourn an absence.' For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only 'I am sorry for your loss.' But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?"

Yes-it's hard to accept-but it means so much more when someone can come up to me and share in my/our pain instead of blowing me off or making judgements that they have no right to make.  Yes, you can pray for me/us, but coming up and giving me a hug and saying I'm sorry makes you feel that you are cared for.  That is the difference.

I have really had to do an assessment of how I have treated others-because I have rushed to a conclusion that I didn't have the right to do. I guess it is just something that humans do. We think we know everything when in reality we know nothing. So, never judge a book by it's cover.  It may look different on the outside, but when you read between the beginning and the end-you see the whole picture and not just the synopsis. 

Finally Friday!

No, I'm not going to break out and sing the song made famous by George Jones.  I will leave that to the Fox 4 Morning News Crew here in Kansas City!

But, goodness...thank God it IS Friday!  Tomorrow, Craig & I leave for vacation to Branson!  Yee haw!  We are going to be staying at a different resort this time, instead of the one where we own at.  We plan on doing some walking, hiking, exploring or whatever around Table Rock Lake.  I don't think we will boat or anything like that, but there is plenty of other stuff to do down there.  I'm sure we will also go to Silver Dollar City a couple of days-since we have season passes.  I don't know what shows we will see, but we are probably going to go to the Dixie Stampede.  I've been there for the Christmas show, but never the regular show. Craig has never ever been.  Have any of you?  You get a meal with the show and all of your food is edible without using ANY utensils.  In fact...you don't get any to start off with.  I'm looking forward to it. 

Last night, I gave into my obsession of collecting Longaberger baskets and went to an auction.  I restrained myself quite well.  But, I did get 5 new baskets...and some pottery that Longaberger makes.  They are all really cute!  They also had some Party-lite candle holders and I broke down and bought 2 of those for $5 each!  I love a good bargain and not having to pay full price.

Tomorrow is 9/11.  It is really hard to believe that it was 9 years ago that the attacks on American took place. I remember what I was doing...I was already at work and someone came running to say that a plane had hit the WTC.  Then we heard that the second plane had hit.  One of the managers got the TV out and we watched TV for the rest of the day.  I don't think the phone rang in the entire office except for 2 times. I only know that I got one phone call from a guy complaining about his claim not being settled that I had just gotten the day before.  I remember coming home and sitting in line for gas at the gas station-not because of fear but because I was completely empty.  It's so sad that the day ever had to happen.  It kind of saddens me that many of the people here in the U.S. these days don't want to be patriotic and they don't want to support our troops.  Since we have numerous family members & friends who have or are serving, it just infuriates me.  Our nation has seriously become a sad state of existence.  It really scares me to think about where we are headed...but that is a debate for another day, so I will get off of my soapbox. 

I hope you all have a great weekend.  Maybe I'll be blogging next week...maybe not.  I'm devoting most of my time to my husband; and he is to me.  I'm just glad we have each other.