Ain't no mountain high enough...with God's help.

Last night, I couldn't sleep. 
I had too much on my mind.

I told Craig that there just seems to be too many insurmountable mountains in my way, and I can't go around them.  For some reason, I'm meant to climb them.  Well, we are meant to climb them.  As I have said before, when you are dealing with wanting to have a child, and you can't...you get through/over one hurdle only to come face to face with another. 

It got me to thinking about climbing the mountain and doing it with all my heart.  Even though it's tough and it seems insurmountable on so many levels-I can do it.  Where would I get the inspiration?

Then it hit me...trip to the Smoky Mountains 2008 and our trek to the top of Clingman's Dome.

Now, Colorado people-don't hate me and think me a wimp, but for this midwestern girl to climb up to the top of a 6,643 foot mountain-it takes a lot of effort.  I was greatly out of shape and it was HOT and HUMID...which does not bode well for someone who has fought asthma.  I was not looking forward to the climb-but I wanted to see the top.

Not only was I in for the long haul, but there were two sets of people I observed and now that I think about it, their climb up to the top of Clingman's Dome really relates to my life.

First-there was an older lady in her 70's with a knee brace and a cane.
Second-there was a family of about 7 with the dad pushing 2 in a stroller, and another 3 walking with them.

Granted, it took us awhile to get to the top.  I also might mention that we were vacationing with my sister & brother-in-law.  So, here I am at all 5'5 3/4" of me, with Lori at 5'10"ish, Craig at 6' and Aaron 6'2 or 3".  (sorry if I got it wrong Aaron!)  Hello...tall people get longer strides!!  Short people have to take 2 steps for every one step that a tall person takes.  So, I was already at a disadvantage. 

But, you know what?  I made it.

But, what honestly sticks in my mind is not me making it to the top-but this woman, and this family.

We had been up at the top for awhile and were taking pictures and then decided it was time to head on-namely go eat.  As we were coming down the ramp, we met the woman walking.  She had sweat dripping off of her, she was huffing and puffing, she looked like she was at the end of her rope.  But you know what?

She was smiling. 

I think about that often in our life-how often we are crippled with events, attitudes, people, etc that to all others might hinder our "mountain climb" but yet-we press on and when we are able to reach to the top of that mountain-we can smile and say, "HEY PEOPLE...I MADE IT!"  Even though we might look like we are the last person on this earth that is capable of climbing that mountain-we can do it with determination.

And as for that man with his family?  Remember he was pushing 2 children in a stroller and there were at least 3 others walking on their own.  Well...as we made our trek up, each of the kids started dropping and couldn't go further.  I even heard a couple of cries.

But, what did this man do?  He was a dad...what else could he do?  He would stop and tell the older ones...you can make it.  I won't leave you.  He kept pushing the others in the stroller-taking all of the burden of the walk onto him. Eventually I saw him even let the others hop on the stroller and even on his back to help them.

Oh...so much like our Heavenly Father.  He reaches out and encourages us.  He says, "You can make this." "I won't leave you." 

"I will carry you and take this burden. We will make it to the top together.  Let me push you up and I won't let go!"

My point is this...if you stop and look, God speaks and gives us earthly examples of His unconditional love, His strength, His care.  Everywhere is where God is.

Even in a climb up a literal mountain in the Smokies.

I was on a hiatus...

My faithful followers and "some-timer's" probably wonder what in the world has happened to me. 

I was on a break.  (Doesn't that sound so Ross & Rachel-esque?)

Part of it was I just needed to take a break, and part of it was---where did the time go?  Holy cow, I don't know!  I was finishing up our taxes which had to be done by Feburary 28th due to the joys of self-employment.  I am happy to report that they got done! 

The taking a break part-I don't know, I just needed to "detox" myself.  We have been through a LOT in the last several years and I think all of it was just taking a toll.  We have seen a lot of loved ones die, we put Craig's mom in the nursing home, and we have been battling this infertility thing for several years.  I was emotionally and physically exhausted.

I guess I will sound selfish-but I needed some me and Craig only time.  We just spent time around home working on our taxes, organizing our basement, going to some auctions, going antiquing, and out to eat. Thank goodness for all of those free meals and gift cards!

But, I'm thankful for it.  I'm back to the place where I can find joy in our trials.  It's hard...so very hard to do that when you just want to scream and cry and punch something.  Now, don't think for a moment that I don't have those times when I do cry-because I do; we do.  But, God is molding me/us and is shaping us.  Granted, I don't like going through the fire and being pressed in on every side-I would trade it in a hearbeat.  But, these trials have taught me a lot.

I'll probably expound on them in later posts, because if I did it tonight, I think I would be here all evening. Besides, each point is a good one.

So, I just wanted to let you all know, I am still alive and kicking.  And in some ways, I am doing better.

The rambling thoughts from the past few days

I have a confession.                                      

It is hard to be hopeful anymore.

But yet, somewhere deep inside of me, I know that I have to be. Or else I would sink into a pit of depression and despair so deep that it would consume every aspect of my life. 

Oh, my friend, so much easier said than done. 

I was telling Craig the other night (as we were on our way home from celebrating his birthday...all by ourselves) that it's just hard to accept that right now there are no kids in our lives. 

I long for that day when I can teach our child to root for Tony Stewart, Carl Edwards, Clint Bowyer and yell BOOOOO at Jimmie Johnson. 
I long for that day when Craig can take our child out on a tractor ride.
I long for that day when our dogs come and lick our child to death and there are those happy little giggles squealing, "Chuggie!  You my doggie!"

It has been a very rough week coming off of another failed cycle/month.  This coupled with the actual timing of it. 

It has been 4 years since we wanted to expand our family.  (Not start. Our family started on March 19, 2005.)  We had some roadblocks at the beginning that were not of our choosing that put the plans on temporary hold, but nonetheless---4 years. 

I don't know how other couples have made it longer than this.  Well, maybe I do.  It's a little thing called grace & God's strength.

Can you just pray for us?  This is just hard to accept right now and we need strength. 

But most of all, we need compassion.  Not advice, just compassion.  A simple hug and a shoulder to cry on mean the world.  Not only to us, but to anyone in our shoes.  Or anyone going through anything that is a trial. After all, that is what we should all do-be there for one another instead of running away.

Until hope returns, we'll just keep pressing on and remembering that God still loves us and He hasn't forgotten us.

A sad milestone...

4 years ago at this time of the year, I was interviewing for a new job.  Why?

#1-I was not happy in my current position.
#2-I wanted a job with benefits to pay for maternity coverage.  (being that we are self-employed, any health insurance you find doesn't cover maternity, let alone infertility, and IF it does-you pay an arm & a leg.)

We were ready to start our family.  We had always talked about enjoying a couple years of marriage of just us and then having a child.  Our first two years were beyond stressful dealing with my mother-in-law's Alzheimer's diagnosis, trying to build a house, and of course-just getting to know one another as husband & wife.

When I got my new job, I got pretty good benefits.  It would pay for maternity so we were set.

But, then August 23, 2007 came.  I found out I would be losing my job at the end of the year. 

Crud.
There goes the benefits.
There goes hope down the drain.

Instead of losing my job at the end of the year, I was told that I would have my job through at least March 2008. 

Hope restored.

Then, January 14, 2008, my world came crashing down.  I was losing my job in 17 days.  I was devastated because I knew that there was something wrong.  I mean, we should have been pregnant by that point.  But, we weren't.  Now, we were losing our health insurance coverage and no one would cover maternity or infertility.

Sadness.

Now, here we are 3 years and 1 week after that day.  Still empty arms and broken hearts.  We have that "unexplained" infertility.  Everything is good, great, working but yet for some unknown reason to us, we cannot have a child.  It is overwhelming...and this past Monday, that hope was crushed again.

I just wonder where we will be at in 3 years and 1 week from today. 

2010: The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

Honestly, I cannot lie.  I can't wait for 2010 to be over.  I'm ready for a fresh, new start.  This year for the most part has been the toughest I have had to go through for so many reasons.

What was good about it?  Right now, I would like to say nothing, but I know that is furthest from the truth.  In February, Craig was spared from injury when a set of a dual tires off of a semi trailer came flying at him from the opposite side of the interstate at 70 MPH and totalled our van.  We got a new van out of the deal that I like very much...so I guess that's good.  Gotta love the free Sirius radio!

The van

The Duals

                                             

                             

We got to go on THREE Vacations for THREE WHOLE WEEKS! 

• First we went to Gatlinburg, TN for a week in August.  We had so much fun: We hiked up the Smoky Mountains, saw 5 bears, and got lots of great pictures. I also got to catch up with a High School friend that I had not seen since we graduated in 1993! We also went to the Nascar races in Bristol, TN.  It was total fun.  I wish I could go to every race there!





Craig & me at the Great Smoky Mountains


• Second-we went to Branson, MO for a week in September.  It wasn't busy at all which is soooo nice. We went to the Dixie Stampede and we met a really nice older couple there. Then we ran into them 2 more times at Silver Dollar City and then at the Branson Landing!  We just had a great time of getting away from it all.
• Third-we went back to Branson for the week of Thanksgiving.  We own a timeshare down there, so yes-we spend lots of time there.  We went to 3 shows, dinner & a show on the Branson Belle (which wrecked 2 weeks later), and Silver Dollar City.  We also started shopping at 4 AM on Black Friday. The only reason we didn't get up sooner was because we were able to shop online!



Dad, Mom, Grandma, me, and Craig at Silver Dollar City

 Of course, we went to all of the races out at the Kansas Speedway this year.  We spent time with friends one night at their house, and then tailgated with some other friends.  It's great that a sport can bring so many people together.



Me signing the start/finish line.




Craig & me on the track




Tony Stewart & his crew.



The Bad?  There was lots.  First, my Grandpa Mitchell (my dad's step-dad) died of his cancer on May 4. Secondly, my Granny Rule (mom's mom) died 25 days later on May 29 from a bacterial infection.  It really stinks to lose a family member, but having 2 deaths within 3.5 weeks time just is plain awful.  The good from it: Both professed to have accepted Christ so at least I have hope that I will see them again in Heaven.



With Grandma & Grandpa Mitchell Christmas 2009




With Granny 3 weeks before she left us


The Ugly?  So much.  Many of you finally found out that we were infertile; mostly because I was having to deal with my feelings in front of everyone since my sister was pregnant.  I had been able to hide from pregnant women and my feelings for the previous 2 years.  How do you explain to people that you are excited for your family, but you are literally dying on the inside...and sometimes on the outside.  Then when you are going through those feelings-everyone is judging you.  They have absolutely no clue what it's like but yet they think they know best.  It's hard to explain to people your loss each month and then try to defend that it is indeed a loss-because they tell you that it's ridiculous to cry & grieve.  It's the loss of a dream, loss of hope, a loss of a chance.

I know that I have not handled everything the way I should have-and for that I am sorry.  Please accept this apology from me. But, I tried to deal with it...I tried to work through it. That I'm even still here is a testament that God has sustained me.  Believe me, there were days I did not want to wake up-the grief was so unbearable.  (I know I am not the only infertile who has felt this despair.) I couldn't have made it through without the help of my husband and my wonderful new friends from Hannah's Prayer and some of my dear friends whom I have known for years that are in the same shoes as us.  They provided the support that we needed when others backed away.  I'm grateful to each one of you-and you know who you are.



Braelyn & Sienna at our house Christmas Eve 2010



The good from it? Yes-we love our nieces. They have a long road ahead of them since they were born so early-so please pray for them. But, I can't lie-my heart twists and turns each time I see them.  Just the pangs you have to deal with as an infertile are somedays overwhelming-but I do deal with them because God gives me the strength to work through my pain.

Ironically-well, maybe not-Craig & I grew even closer in our relationship this year.  Probably because of everything that we have been through.  Many people also forget that Craig's mom is in the nursing home.  It's tough to see my mother-in-law have to be there, but we are so thankful she is cared for. 

So, what do I hope for 2011? Well, besides the obvious of somehow, someway having a child-I hope that God continues to give grace and strength.  I pray that we would stay healthy.  Who doesn't want that? I pray that we will rest in His will for us---that is so much easier to say (or type) than it is to actually do it.  I hope my relationships with my family continue to heal-now that they have some idea of the pain I've been going through.

I pray that you will all be able to find the joy of knowing God and that He loves us all and He sent His Son to pay the price for our sins.  I pray that I can be an encouragement to you somehow.  Like I said before, I know I don't do everything right (who does?) but I'm glad that I have a Father in heaven who loves me and forgives me and sustains me.  Thank you, God for all you do that I don't deserve. 

So that leaves just one last thing:

They say confession is good for the soul...

So, maybe that is what I should do.  We, as humans sometimes see confessing sin/apologizing/humbling ourselves as a sign of weakness. 

That isn't what it is.  God sees it as as a call to obedience and somehow, methinks He delights when His Children see that they are wrong and call on Him to forgive and restore their relationship with Him. I know I delight when people come to me and ask for forgiveness when they have hurt me.

This week, we found out for like the 40th month in a row (not realizing I was infertile until just about a year ago) that we weren't pregnant again.  I was mad, angry, and just down right livid. I really didn't cry a lot-I was just silent. How could God do this to us again? Haven't we suffered enough? And believe me, there were a lot more questions and a lot more anger.  I've been inundated with pregnancy announcements and some of them are just mind-blowing.  It just adds to the anger of WHY NOT US??? Honestly, I didn't want to hear anything about God the rest of the day...but you know, as always, God had other plans. 

Later on, the anger just became grief and I cried and cried and cried.  I laid in bed that night and just asked Craig, WHY?  He says, I don't know but he's sorry.  I know that it bothers him, and I know it hurts him to see me in emotional pain (and then the physical pain).  I know that it hurts him, too.  He says he doesn't know why we have to go through all of this.

I came to that place where I had to remind myself that God was there: He was still loving me and perhaps even carrying me the past few days.  Actually, He still is carrying me: Because truth be told, I would rather just hide out in my house and not come out.  I am thankful for the grace and forgiveness the Lord gives.  Now, don't for one moment think that it just "cures" the questions.  It doesn't.  They are still there.  I really don't understand why we have to keep going through this and why there are so many hurt feelings.

But that is when I have to remind myself...The rain falls on the just and the unjust.  God is soverign, He is in control.  It is very hard to rest in Him when my heart is breaking.  But, rest I must.  Call upon God, I must. (try to) Be patient, I must.  Confess my hurts, my sin, my attitude-I must.  If I don't, then it will eat me alive and cause me to be bitter.

I was bitter for a day this week, but then I realized that God does love me and He loves every single child of His that is hurting. 

• For when we are weak, He is strong.
• When we are sorry, He is forgiving.
• When we are sad, He gives us a reason to be glad.
• When we are hopeless, He reminds us to be hopeful.
• When we are sad, He can give us joy.

Not for one moment do I claim to be a perfect human being, let alone a perfect Christian.  I'm just glad I can seek forgiveness and I have Someone to carry me through it all.

I know some of you out there are hurting very deeply and are in the same position I am in.  Maybe you aren't dealing with infertility, but maybe it's the loss of a job, the loss of a loved one, a failing marriage.  It's hard to find joy in the midst of strife-but it's there. 

Believe me, I'm preaching at myself more than anything-it's down right hard!!  I hope one day I can look back on all of this suffering, grief, and the anger that I once had and see how God brought us through it.  But, until then, I know I will make mistakes and I know I won't always have the right attitude.  At least I know that God will be on my side and will welcome me back into His loving arms and hold me tight.

Just remember...

As we look forward to this Christmas holiday season, I wanted to take the time to remind you to Just Remember a few things.

As you are dreading getting together with your family because a certain family member who annoys you or who has wronged you will be there...
     Just Remember that there is someone out there who is grieving the fact that a certain family member   will no longer be a part of their Christmas, or the rest of their life here on Earth.

As you are watching your children open up their gifts, and dreading the bills that will follow for all of the money you spent on them...
     Just Remember that there is a couple out there who has to go through yet another Christmas without a child to spoil or to love on because they are infertile-their last treatment failed, they have gotten another "not pregnant" result on a test, or they had a failed adoption. 

As you sit down to a lavish feast/meal at a family get-together...
     Just Remember that there is someone out there who is starving and doesn't have any bit of food on their plate.

As you keep warm & cozy in your home with your fireplace, blankets, hot chocolate...
     Just Remember that there is someone out there who has just lost their home and doesn't have warmth & coziness.

As you go to that office party with those annoying co-workers...
     Just Remember that there is someone out there who has been looking for a job for weeks, months, or maybe even years and is now losing their unemployment benefits.

As you reflect upon the child-Jesus, who came to this Earth as a Babe to be born in a lowly manger...
     Just Remember that the story doesn't end there.  He came to this Earth, sent from the Heavenly Father above, to be born, to take on human flesh, so that one Friday 33 years later He would take upon the weight of the sin of the world.  He took my punishment, your punishment---EVERYONE'S punishment so that we might have eternal life...but only if we accept that free gift of salvation. 


Just Remember...Just Be Thankful for the blessings you have in your life-because somewhere someone would gladly trade places with you.

Monday, Monday.

What happened to the weekend?  I lost it somewhere.  If you find it, please return ASAP!

It was a fun weekend and one that I needed for emotional strengthening.  Craig & I made a trip up to the city-okay-Kansas City for all you who have no clue what I'm talking about-last Friday.  We had a fun day shopping because we were looking for a new laptop since our other one went kaput with the screen.  We found out that HP has a class action lawsuit against them for the failure we are experiencing.  Isn't that fun?

Anyway-we got our new laptop and then Saturday-lo and behold-the old one starts working again.  So, now it is fun for us to both be on the computer at the same time. Saturday was a great day of just spending time with Craig and relaxing.

Sunday-after church-I met up with some of my HP friends from the Kansas City area.  We had a fun time of shopping out at the Legends Shopping Center and then we sat and vegetated awhile at a bakery enjoying cookies, brownies, danishes, and creme horns.  I have mentioned before, but I am SOOOOOO thankful for HP and the gals I have met either IRL or just online from there.  These ladies are so supportive and so understanding of the pain that I face daily-because they are experiencing the same thing. 

My heart is still very heavy and only getting worse as each day, week, month, and year passes.  I know I have said this before-but it becomes harder to press on when people repeatedly treat you like you are diseased.  They leave you out, they talk about you behind your back, they don't listen to your hurts and they have no idea what to say or what to do when you tell them what is going on.  Nothing sucks more than people just telling you that you don't have enough faith or them telling you that you should just be happy.  I just keep praying that things will change-not just to have a child-but that people's eyes would be open on how to be sensitive to others in this situation.  As I have said before-if a person has cancer-you don't just ignore them because you don't have cancer.  You reach out to them and support them and love them.  It would be one thing to go through Infertility with true genuine IRL support, but when you don't have it, the problem is magnified twenty-fold.

It's hard to walk a mile in these shoes-but I'm glad for the new friends that have been brought into my life and for the deepening of my relationship with my awesome husband. 

Never judge a book by it's cover.

Once again, I feel like I'm forced to defend myself.  People are making snap judgements about me and they do not know the whole story.  It has been questioned why I do or do not do certain things.  People forget...I am an Infertile woman.  Some things are not comfortable for me to do because they bring me to a place where I just want to weep for the pain of being childless.  Some things are done a certain way because we have decided it is what I have to do to maintain my sanity.  I guess some people just think that it's uncaring, unthoughtful, stupid, or whatever other adjective they can come up with.  What people don't realize is how painful it is to go to baby showers, look at pictures of babies, talk about babies when you have just found out that you have missed another month or you have been given some bad news.  They make judgements about posts on Facebook.  They assume they know the truth-but they don't.  They think I'm being selfish, jealous, inconsiderate, cold, etc-but I'm not.  I'm doing what I need to do at certain times to protect my heart.  I may come across that I'm mad at the world-but it is just a steel curtain/wall going up to protect my heart.  This past weekend, at my sister's shower 1 person came up to me and said I can't imagine what it took for you to be here today.  I broke down and cried-they acknowledged my pain and didn't judge me.  Thank God for that person.

So, why do I write this?  I want people to come to me if they are "concerned" for me.  I want people to not go behind my back and spread false lies.  I want people to find out the truth from me.  If you have questions, ask me.  A lot of people don't want to ask about infertility because it's uncomfortable for them.  They don't want to understand or can't understand. 

I saw this quote from Former First Lady Laura Bush describing their battle with infertility and it pretty much sums it up.

"The English language lacks the words 'to mourn an absence.' For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only 'I am sorry for your loss.' But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?"

Yes-it's hard to accept-but it means so much more when someone can come up to me and share in my/our pain instead of blowing me off or making judgements that they have no right to make.  Yes, you can pray for me/us, but coming up and giving me a hug and saying I'm sorry makes you feel that you are cared for.  That is the difference.

I have really had to do an assessment of how I have treated others-because I have rushed to a conclusion that I didn't have the right to do. I guess it is just something that humans do. We think we know everything when in reality we know nothing. So, never judge a book by it's cover.  It may look different on the outside, but when you read between the beginning and the end-you see the whole picture and not just the synopsis. 

August is over?!?

Seriously, where did this month go?  I can't believe it's been almost 3 weeks since I updated my blog.  I must confess, I've been VERY busy. 

Craig & I went on vacation for a week to the Smoky Mountains and also went to Bristol, TN for the Nascar races.  It was so great to get away for the week and not have to worry/deal with anyone else.  I think that was the best part.  We also got to catch up with one of my friends from high school and meet his wife and son. We hadn't seen each other since we walked together at graduation...SEVENTEEN years ago! 

We are still going through the "waiting" process in our Infertility.  We are at a crossroads where we have a lot of decisions to make and which path to take.  I had another rough night last night.  It's so hard to remain focused on the positive when the negative keeps pushing it's way in front.  You're like...NO...get away from me.  But, that usually doesn't work.  You have to find that "happy" medium where you can go on and try to focus on what is actually happening in your life compared to what you hoped/thought/wished could have been.  I think that's the biggest struggle.  You live in a world of what if's/why's/when's, etc. 

I seriously saw myself having a child well before I turned 35.  Well, I definitely know that won't be coming true, since my birthday is coming in a little over a month.  It's just hard to believe.  I just really never dreamed this would be my lot in life.  Never, ever ever.  I never thought that I would have to deal with infertility.  Heck...I didn't even really have a grasp on what it meant.  Now...I feel like I know so much but it still doesn't cure that sting of pain that comes every month. 

So, we push on/press on/pray on that one day, maybe God would just see fit to end this pain.  We don't know the end, but He does.  I don't know if that means we will adopt, we will be childless forever, or we will be blessed with our own offspring.  It's really hard leaving it in His hands, because I want it now.  Actually, I wanted it 3 years ago, but here we are and still nothing.  Onward we go, and the faith will waiver and the despair will enter in-I'm just hoping it's for a little while and not for much longer.  I want that baby in my hands, in my home, in Craig's arms.  God knows our hearts, our desires and our pain. 

Comments that I just love hearing...I'm being sarcastic.

Okay, so I must admit...I have a burr in my saddle.  Lately, it seems like I've heard comments coming left & right from people about children.  Some know of our struggle, but some do not.  They have recently included:

"Be careful what you wish for. Children can be impossible!"
-Sorry, but I'm gonna keep on wishing & praying & hoping for a child(ren).  Just because you have trouble disciplining your children, doesn't mean I will have that trouble.
"Working full-time is so much easier when you don't have kids."
-That may be the case, but I would trade my job, the extra money for a child.  I don't have to work full-time right now anyway.  I "get" to because there is so much work to be done and I actually LOVE my job!
"When are you going to have a kid?"
-If you have that crystal ball that can answer that question for us, then by all means, answer that for us!
"What's wrong with you?"
-Seriously? 
"At least you aren't dying of cancer."
-Again, seriously?!?
"You have so much more free time."
-Again, that may be the case, but I also know how to juggle a job, and kids.  I was a full-time nanny while going to school full-time.  I worked 40-60 hours a week, had a social life, and went to school 4 days a week. 
"You should be thankful that you don't have kids.  This world is so evil.  Count it as a blessing."
-Well, the world may be evil; but I will love a child and teach them what is right and wrong.  Again, just because your grown children are wayward doesn't mean that my desire to be a mom has to be squashed down.

There are so many more that I have heard of recently.  It seriously is all I can do sometimes to not just tell the person to think before opening their mouth up to me next time.  It is all I can do to not cry.  I think I got the point across one day when I was told that working full-time was easier without kids.  I know that my mouth went wide open and I went dead silent.  I looked for Craig and said...we are leaving.  It just amazes me how insensitive people can be.

Granted, I know that I am not dying of a disease, but would people walk up to someone who was and say stuff like, "Oh, be glad you aren't dying of (this type) of cancer." Or, well, at least you are going to die so you don't have to be in this world anymore.  Just absolutely plain ridiculous.

Okay, so I feel better to have typed this out.  It just hurts that people don't think.  When I have gone through a trial like this, it really teaches me how to treat others.  I remember when I was growing up and in Junior High.  Because of some of the legalistic views that were pressed upon us when our family was first saved, we only wore split skirts and skirts.  No pants, shorts, etc.  I was made fun of repeatedly in school.  When I was freezing my backside off not wearing jeans, I became a laughing stock.  Eventually, we wore pants & shorts and jeans, but the damage was done.  It made me stop and think about how I had been quick to make fun of people who were handicapped.  Then, I started working with handicapped children and it just makes me furious now when people are made fun of because they were born with a "defect".  So, that is how it is with Infertility: I'm a little less quick to open my mouth and say something to someone else because I do NOT know what is going on in their life.  I don't want to be a downer...I want to be an encourager. 

So, remember this...encourage others with your words...and think before you speak.  I know that I need to be that type of person and I'm working on it with God's help. 

I'll get off of my soap box now and hope that somewhere, somehow: someone will say the right thing.

What God has been teaching me/us

This will probably be a rambling post, but please bear with me.  The past week has been one of growth and stretching for me.  It's also been a week where Craig & I have been drawn closer together because this is OUR battle that we are fighting together, along with God's help. 

What I have come to realize is this: God is still on the throne.  He still loves us.  He sees each tear that is cried.  He sees the future.  He holds us in the palm of His hand.  Our infertility battle just plain stinks.  There is no way of denying that fact.  Yes, every day, there is a pang of despair.  There are moments when you feel like a failure.  There are moments that you just want to crawl in a hole and never come out.  There are moments that I do feel like God isn't caring about what is going on.  There are moments that I know I am driving Craig up a wall because I'm sad. There are moments when I want to lash out at people for their insensitive comments.  There are moments that I wish someone would just come up to me and put their arm around me and say, "I'm sorry." or "How are you doing?" But, some people can't do that because they haven't been down this road and don't know how to act or react.  They don't understand that some days are just worse than others and all you need is a hug.  They don't understand that there are times that maybe they should just be silent and let me vent.  I can't lie about these things: these are honest & real emotions. 

I can honestly say that this past Sunday was the first Sunday that I didn't cry during the message.  It was the first Sunday that I felt like even singing during congregational hymn time.  I wasn't always believing the words on the pages of the Bible and in the Hymnal.  They were there, but they just weren't comforting.  BUT...God was patient with me and He worked in me and Craig.  He also worked through Craig, because I know Craig hurts, too...but he has borne the brunt of my emotions.  He has held me while I've cried when I get my BFN for the month. He has held my hand while we talked with the doctor.  He has been my human strength.  We would love to have a child who is a reflection of our love for one another, and so far, we have just been denied that.  For well over THIRTY SIX months.  When you type it out like that, it's pretty overwhelming.  (I know there are people out there who have dealt with this a lot longer than us...I am just letting you know what is specific to us.)

We may never know this side of Heaven why we have been allowed this time in our lives.  I don't know.  Maybe it was so we could grow closer together and grow in our faith.  Believe me, that faith has waivered quite a bit.  (Again, just me honestly speaking here.) I think I am coming to the place where I realize that there is nothing I can do in my own selfish human power to change our situation.  We have to leave this in God's hands.  Yep...much easier said than done.  But, I am working on that.  It is very hard to sit back and say, "Okay, God.  It's Yours!" when inside you are still wondering if the day will ever come that we FINALLY find out that we are pregnant.  I am slowly turning this over to God to work in this situation.  There are still a lot of unknowns and frankly, I hate it.  I like to solve problems and have an answer posthaste.  But, again, God knows the outcome.  He knows if we will ever have a biological child.  I can't say that I'm ready to accept an answer of no just yet.  It hurts too much to think that there could possibly never be a little girl with blonde hair that looks up to her daddy or never be a little boy who wants to be a farmer like his daddy or either one of them will love to watch NASCAR with their mommy & daddy.  That hurts so much more than you know.  But...I HAVE to leave it to God.  That is what He commands us to do...lay our burdens down at His feet.

This is our burden, so I will try very hard to lay it at His feet.  I may try to snatch it up again and solve it on my own, but I'll have to lay it right back down again.  Please keep praying for us.  That is all I can say for now.

An okay day before the crazy busy weekend!

Wow...can I just say thanks to the people who have sent me messages on Facebook? I didn't know one status update would make such an impact.  My heart hasn't been encouraged that much in a long time.  Thank you so much for taking the time to write to me and encourage me.  I told Craig that my heart only hurt half as much today.  So many of you have walked down this road before or are walking down it right now, too.  You understand the heartache and the frustration.  Thank you, thank you, thank you for your kind words!  I just felt like I had to defend myself for what is going on because there are people out there who don't/didn't know and were making way too many assumptions.  It's so much more than they probably thought...so I thought it best to handle it the way I did. 

It is going to be a crazy next few days for us.  Craig is busy baling hay.  He's got a lot cut down, plus he's baling for our neighbor.  We are thankful that the rain has held off for these few days to allow him to get it done.  For me, I will be travelling down to Belton (for those not familiar with this area...that is 1 hour-1 way) because of Florina's wedding!  I am a bridesmaid, so I get in on all the fun stuff.  Tomorrow we are doing flowers, then we get to go have our mani-pedi's.  WOO HOO for that!  I will actually have fingernails once again.  Those that know me, know that I am a chronic nail biter, so I love having fingernails so I won't chew on them.  Friday, we will be decorating at the church and then the rehearsal...and then Saturday is the big day!  The wedding will be at the church we used to attend so it will be fun to see some familiar faces.  I'm sure come Sunday morning, I will be tuckered out. 

So, I probably won't be on here for a few days.  I hope all of you are doing well.  Again, I want to thank each and every one of you who has been an encouragement to my heart. May God bless each of you...and you know who you are!

Psalm 27

I guess I have a little theme going here...passages of Scripture from the Psalms.  Psalms=balm (to my heart).

You know, as you read the Psalms, a lot of them were written by King David.  Talk about someone who went through a lot.  His best buddy's dad was out to kill him!  I couldn't imagine that.  That would be horrid.  But through the tests and trials, David found it in his heart to praise God over and over again.  So, that's what I am trying to do.

Psalm 27 pretty much sums up what I'm feeling.  Read it if you get a chance.  Pastor Jeremy read this Scripture Sunday morning and it just hit home.  I had read it before (a lot) but when the words were spoken aloud...wow.  I was overcome with emotion (in fact, I had to excuse myself from the sanctuary). 

Here we are, another failed month.  I weep with the sadness of knowing that we failed to get pregnant again. I hate being in this pit of despair.  I hate questioning (I know I've said that before, but I REALLY do hate questioning) why God is allowing this.  I am trying.  The only reason I am trying is because I know God still loves us.  He's never stopped loving us.  Wow...what did I do to deserve that type of love?  If I stop and listen, I can hear that loving voice saying that I am loved.  So, maybe I should just shut up some more and focus on that.  Easier said than done, that's for sure.  But, nonetheless, I will try. 

On another note: it's going to be a CRAZY busy week!  Craig is finally able to get some hay done.  He's mowing today, baling tomorrow & the next day.  He also has to replant some soybeans that got washed out with our torrential rains the last couple of weeks.  Saturday is a friend's wedding: Florina.  We all lived together before Craig & I were married.  I am one of the bridesmaids.  Thursday & Friday will be busy with decorating and all the pre-wedding stuff!  Pray for Dan & Florina as they begin their life together.  Exciting times!

The therapy of music

Obviously, since I am a Christian, I enjoy listening to Contemporary Christian Music.  I must confess that I also listen to a lot of country music.  So, please don't hold that against me.  Anyway, I have found a great Christian radio station that is local here in central Missouri.  It's called Spirit FM.  I'm able to pull in 89.7 from Knob Noster...you know where Whiteman Air Force Base is?  It's a lifesaver to me during the day.  Each time that I want to get down and I once again start questioning God's control in our life: the right song comes on the radio.  I just know that God allows the right song to come on the radio at the right time.  The one song that I really love right now is You're Not Alone by Meredith Andrews.  Here are the words:

I searched for love, when the night came, and it closed in, I was alone, but you found me, where I was hiding, and now I'll never ever be same, it was the sweetest voice, that called my name saying
You're not alone, For I am here, let me wipe away your every fear, My love I've never left your side, I have seen you through the darkest night, And I'm the one that who's loved you all your life, All of your life
You cry your self to sleep, cause the hurt is real, and the pain cuts deep, all hope seems lost, with heart ache your closest friend, and everyone else long gone, you've had to face the music on your own, but there is a sweeter song that calls you home, saying
You're not alone, For I am here, let me wipe away your every tear, My love I've never left your side, I have seen you through the darkest nights, And I'm the one who's love you all your life, All your life
Faithful and true... Forever, For my love will carry you...
You're not alone, for I... I am here, let me wipe away your every fear... Oh yeah, My love I've never left your side, I have seen you through your darkest night,
Your darkest nights, And I'm the one that's loved you all your life,
All of your life

(here is the video)

Meredith Andrews Video


 So, I sang that in my heart last night before I went to bed.  I KNOW that I am not alone.  I just FEEL all alone.  I know that I've mentioned it before: it's a hard place to be in to try and not question why God has brought us down this road.  I never ever in my life dreamed that it would be this way. Even though this song was popular a couple of years ago, it was like it was written for me...right now.  I have found the music to it and I hope to sing it at church some time.  I know there are a lot of people in our church who are going through various trials and I hope that it encourages them as it has encouraged us.

I have been so disappointed by how I/we have been treated by others who just don't know what to say to us.  They have never had to experience infertility so it's a foreign concept to them.  They say things that to the average Joe may not be unkind, but to an infertile couple...they are the meanest things possible.  I've said this before, and I will say it again...I am thankful for the people that God has put in my/our life to be an encouragement to us at this time.  I'm never judged by them for my feelings, they pray WITH me (not just for me.  You wouldn't think that would make a difference but it does.)  I have 2 very close friends who allow me this privilege.  I am thankful every day for them.  I am thankful for the other ladies who have dealt with infertility as long, longer, or shorter than I.  We are in this together and I love them for being there for me.  I only hope that I can use this season in our life to one day encourage others.  It's a tough road to hoe, and one day we will make it through to the other side...it just seems very overwhelming right now.

So, remember, my friends...you ARE not alone.  God WILL see you through.  I hope to rejoice when my sorrow is turned to joy.

Rain, rain go away!

Another day, another round of rain. The meterolgists around here are saying it's reminiscent of 1993, when it flooded MAJORLY! In fact, I remember that we didn't even think I would get out to Kansas City for college because even I-70 was covered in water in places. Hopefully it won't get that bad.
Last night, while Craig & I were outside trying to fix his tractor, he went to go get some parts down in the trailer by the old barn & house. He heard a noise and lo & behold there was a dog. We think someone must have dropped off a dog & some puppies. One puppy ended up staying here at the farm, and the others have left. Well, she is a cutie...a Brittany mix. She's about 6-8 weeks old we think. Just what we don't need...another dog since we already have 8. But, you can't just let the poor thing starve to death. She was already thin enough. So, we will just have to see if we do end up keeping her or if someone else wants her, that would be fine.
Today was a pretty good day. As I have discussed our Infertility (IF) with others, it's become liberating...I guess you would say. It is amazing how many people we have come across that have had similar problems. I appreciate them sharing with us their struggles, as I share ours. We just keep praying that God will give us patience...especially me! We know that it will be in His timing, but it is so very hard to wait! I am so thankful for the ladies that I have come to know through Hannah's Prayer. They are such an encouragement.
Well, I better run for the evening. I need to go outside and play with all of my dogs. I love them!

Our struggle...

Okay, so I think it's finally time to start writing about what our struggle has been. It's infertility. Some of our closest friends & some of the family know about this struggle, so this may come as some sort of shock to the rest of you.

Ever since I was 2 and was doting on my baby dolls and then my baby sister, I knew I wanted to have a baby. I started baby-sitting for families in our church at the age of 12. One family, in particular, had such faith in me that I remember them leaving their less than 1 month old daughter with me, along with their 3 boys. I've been in love with kids ever since. I have always been active & involved in the churches I have attended with kids' ministries. Whether that be Awana, Patch the Pirate Club, Children's Church, nursery, Kid's Choir, Kid's Cantatas, etc...you name it, I've probably done it. I love being around kids. In fact yesterday, our Pastor's youngest sat with me and just cuddled because she was tired. (double sigh)

Well, I got married when I was 29 and Craig was 36. We knew that we were already "up there" in years (compared to so many 20-somethings having them right & left), so having a family would need to come sooner than later. But, life took a different course for us right after the start of marriage. 2 weeks after we were married, my mother-in-law (MIL) had 3 brain tumors. Long story short=Alzheimer's was the final diagnosis on top of the brain tumors. (Not caused by the tumors) So, a lot of things were put on hold.

I also lost my health insurance when we got married. Craig is a farmer so we have to pay for our own. Not many good plans out there for maternity/infertility treatment so we knew 100% our responsibility. I found a new job back in 2007, but only 6 months into it, job was going to be outsourced, and I lost it only 11 months into it. I lost health insurance again. Well, we had started trying to plan our family while on this job. I was devastated. I knew that if we had trouble, we were literally up a creek.

Fast forward to this year: 3 years of trying, ready for a pregancy and for some reason God has said no. Wow...that's really a bitter pill to swallow. It's so hard when you want something to be denied it. It's really hard to think that something that seems so easy would be hard for us. I have had some bloodwork done and an HSG. It shows that everything appears normal & nothing of concern. It's kind of bittersweet diagnosis. You are grateful nothing is wrong medically, but you almost wish there was because then maybe it could be fixed.

So, now, we just wait again. We would appreciate your prayers for us. Of course, this affects me greater than Craig, because you know how all the female hormones work. =) But, we press on. Craig has been a great support for me throughout this journey. In fact sometimes, he has more positive thoughts than I do. The hardest thing right now, is watching others become pregnant before us. People who have been trying for a lot less time end up successful. You are happy for others, but you have to watch them anticipate the birth of their child. It just really stinks for us, because we can't conceive. My sister is pregnant with twins. I love the babies already, it's just hard for me to think about us not being successful and our lives are going to change with the addition to our family. I feel like we are on the outside looking in. It's a very hard place to be in, to say the least. Joy and sorrow...all at the same time.

So, I will be using this blog just maybe as a vent sometimes. Other times, it will be about other things going on in our life.

Please pray for us. It has been a time of waiting, stretching, fighting emotions that are so great that sometimes you just don't even want to get up out of bed. It takes a lot of grace and reliance on the Lord to make it through it.