What God has been teaching me/us

This will probably be a rambling post, but please bear with me.  The past week has been one of growth and stretching for me.  It's also been a week where Craig & I have been drawn closer together because this is OUR battle that we are fighting together, along with God's help. 

What I have come to realize is this: God is still on the throne.  He still loves us.  He sees each tear that is cried.  He sees the future.  He holds us in the palm of His hand.  Our infertility battle just plain stinks.  There is no way of denying that fact.  Yes, every day, there is a pang of despair.  There are moments when you feel like a failure.  There are moments that you just want to crawl in a hole and never come out.  There are moments that I do feel like God isn't caring about what is going on.  There are moments that I know I am driving Craig up a wall because I'm sad. There are moments when I want to lash out at people for their insensitive comments.  There are moments that I wish someone would just come up to me and put their arm around me and say, "I'm sorry." or "How are you doing?" But, some people can't do that because they haven't been down this road and don't know how to act or react.  They don't understand that some days are just worse than others and all you need is a hug.  They don't understand that there are times that maybe they should just be silent and let me vent.  I can't lie about these things: these are honest & real emotions. 

I can honestly say that this past Sunday was the first Sunday that I didn't cry during the message.  It was the first Sunday that I felt like even singing during congregational hymn time.  I wasn't always believing the words on the pages of the Bible and in the Hymnal.  They were there, but they just weren't comforting.  BUT...God was patient with me and He worked in me and Craig.  He also worked through Craig, because I know Craig hurts, too...but he has borne the brunt of my emotions.  He has held me while I've cried when I get my BFN for the month. He has held my hand while we talked with the doctor.  He has been my human strength.  We would love to have a child who is a reflection of our love for one another, and so far, we have just been denied that.  For well over THIRTY SIX months.  When you type it out like that, it's pretty overwhelming.  (I know there are people out there who have dealt with this a lot longer than us...I am just letting you know what is specific to us.)

We may never know this side of Heaven why we have been allowed this time in our lives.  I don't know.  Maybe it was so we could grow closer together and grow in our faith.  Believe me, that faith has waivered quite a bit.  (Again, just me honestly speaking here.) I think I am coming to the place where I realize that there is nothing I can do in my own selfish human power to change our situation.  We have to leave this in God's hands.  Yep...much easier said than done.  But, I am working on that.  It is very hard to sit back and say, "Okay, God.  It's Yours!" when inside you are still wondering if the day will ever come that we FINALLY find out that we are pregnant.  I am slowly turning this over to God to work in this situation.  There are still a lot of unknowns and frankly, I hate it.  I like to solve problems and have an answer posthaste.  But, again, God knows the outcome.  He knows if we will ever have a biological child.  I can't say that I'm ready to accept an answer of no just yet.  It hurts too much to think that there could possibly never be a little girl with blonde hair that looks up to her daddy or never be a little boy who wants to be a farmer like his daddy or either one of them will love to watch NASCAR with their mommy & daddy.  That hurts so much more than you know.  But...I HAVE to leave it to God.  That is what He commands us to do...lay our burdens down at His feet.

This is our burden, so I will try very hard to lay it at His feet.  I may try to snatch it up again and solve it on my own, but I'll have to lay it right back down again.  Please keep praying for us.  That is all I can say for now.