Today has been a pretty hard emotional day for me. I'm not going to go into details, but it's just been tough. Can I just say simply that I am thankful that God loves me? I seriously cannot imagine going through life and not having God in my life. I know that there are times when I "forget" about Him or get upset because I feel that He is doing something wrong (even though He never does!); but regardless of my humanly selfish attitude-He loves me all the time and through every circumstance.
I leave you with another verse from the Psalms:
Psalm 71:3---Be my strong refuge, to which I may resort continually; You have given the commandment to save me, for You are my rock and my fortress.
Thank goodness for the truth found only in His Word!
Showing posts with label struggles. Show all posts
Showing posts with label struggles. Show all posts
Friday, August 6, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Comments that I just love hearing...I'm being sarcastic.
Okay, so I must admit...I have a burr in my saddle. Lately, it seems like I've heard comments coming left & right from people about children. Some know of our struggle, but some do not. They have recently included:
"Be careful what you wish for. Children can be impossible!"
-Sorry, but I'm gonna keep on wishing & praying & hoping for a child(ren). Just because you have trouble disciplining your children, doesn't mean I will have that trouble.
"Working full-time is so much easier when you don't have kids."
-That may be the case, but I would trade my job, the extra money for a child. I don't have to work full-time right now anyway. I "get" to because there is so much work to be done and I actually LOVE my job!
"When are you going to have a kid?"
-If you have that crystal ball that can answer that question for us, then by all means, answer that for us!
"What's wrong with you?"
-Seriously?
"At least you aren't dying of cancer."
-Again, seriously?!?
"You have so much more free time."
-Again, that may be the case, but I also know how to juggle a job, and kids. I was a full-time nanny while going to school full-time. I worked 40-60 hours a week, had a social life, and went to school 4 days a week.
"You should be thankful that you don't have kids. This world is so evil. Count it as a blessing."
-Well, the world may be evil; but I will love a child and teach them what is right and wrong. Again, just because your grown children are wayward doesn't mean that my desire to be a mom has to be squashed down.
There are so many more that I have heard of recently. It seriously is all I can do sometimes to not just tell the person to think before opening their mouth up to me next time. It is all I can do to not cry. I think I got the point across one day when I was told that working full-time was easier without kids. I know that my mouth went wide open and I went dead silent. I looked for Craig and said...we are leaving. It just amazes me how insensitive people can be.
Granted, I know that I am not dying of a disease, but would people walk up to someone who was and say stuff like, "Oh, be glad you aren't dying of (this type) of cancer." Or, well, at least you are going to die so you don't have to be in this world anymore. Just absolutely plain ridiculous.
Okay, so I feel better to have typed this out. It just hurts that people don't think. When I have gone through a trial like this, it really teaches me how to treat others. I remember when I was growing up and in Junior High. Because of some of the legalistic views that were pressed upon us when our family was first saved, we only wore split skirts and skirts. No pants, shorts, etc. I was made fun of repeatedly in school. When I was freezing my backside off not wearing jeans, I became a laughing stock. Eventually, we wore pants & shorts and jeans, but the damage was done. It made me stop and think about how I had been quick to make fun of people who were handicapped. Then, I started working with handicapped children and it just makes me furious now when people are made fun of because they were born with a "defect". So, that is how it is with Infertility: I'm a little less quick to open my mouth and say something to someone else because I do NOT know what is going on in their life. I don't want to be a downer...I want to be an encourager.
So, remember this...encourage others with your words...and think before you speak. I know that I need to be that type of person and I'm working on it with God's help.
I'll get off of my soap box now and hope that somewhere, somehow: someone will say the right thing.
"Be careful what you wish for. Children can be impossible!"
-Sorry, but I'm gonna keep on wishing & praying & hoping for a child(ren). Just because you have trouble disciplining your children, doesn't mean I will have that trouble.
"Working full-time is so much easier when you don't have kids."
-That may be the case, but I would trade my job, the extra money for a child. I don't have to work full-time right now anyway. I "get" to because there is so much work to be done and I actually LOVE my job!
"When are you going to have a kid?"
-If you have that crystal ball that can answer that question for us, then by all means, answer that for us!
"What's wrong with you?"
-Seriously?
"At least you aren't dying of cancer."
-Again, seriously?!?
"You have so much more free time."
-Again, that may be the case, but I also know how to juggle a job, and kids. I was a full-time nanny while going to school full-time. I worked 40-60 hours a week, had a social life, and went to school 4 days a week.
"You should be thankful that you don't have kids. This world is so evil. Count it as a blessing."
-Well, the world may be evil; but I will love a child and teach them what is right and wrong. Again, just because your grown children are wayward doesn't mean that my desire to be a mom has to be squashed down.
There are so many more that I have heard of recently. It seriously is all I can do sometimes to not just tell the person to think before opening their mouth up to me next time. It is all I can do to not cry. I think I got the point across one day when I was told that working full-time was easier without kids. I know that my mouth went wide open and I went dead silent. I looked for Craig and said...we are leaving. It just amazes me how insensitive people can be.
Granted, I know that I am not dying of a disease, but would people walk up to someone who was and say stuff like, "Oh, be glad you aren't dying of (this type) of cancer." Or, well, at least you are going to die so you don't have to be in this world anymore. Just absolutely plain ridiculous.
Okay, so I feel better to have typed this out. It just hurts that people don't think. When I have gone through a trial like this, it really teaches me how to treat others. I remember when I was growing up and in Junior High. Because of some of the legalistic views that were pressed upon us when our family was first saved, we only wore split skirts and skirts. No pants, shorts, etc. I was made fun of repeatedly in school. When I was freezing my backside off not wearing jeans, I became a laughing stock. Eventually, we wore pants & shorts and jeans, but the damage was done. It made me stop and think about how I had been quick to make fun of people who were handicapped. Then, I started working with handicapped children and it just makes me furious now when people are made fun of because they were born with a "defect". So, that is how it is with Infertility: I'm a little less quick to open my mouth and say something to someone else because I do NOT know what is going on in their life. I don't want to be a downer...I want to be an encourager.
So, remember this...encourage others with your words...and think before you speak. I know that I need to be that type of person and I'm working on it with God's help.
I'll get off of my soap box now and hope that somewhere, somehow: someone will say the right thing.
Friday, July 16, 2010
What God has been teaching me/us
This will probably be a rambling post, but please bear with me. The past week has been one of growth and stretching for me. It's also been a week where Craig & I have been drawn closer together because this is OUR battle that we are fighting together, along with God's help.
What I have come to realize is this: God is still on the throne. He still loves us. He sees each tear that is cried. He sees the future. He holds us in the palm of His hand. Our infertility battle just plain stinks. There is no way of denying that fact. Yes, every day, there is a pang of despair. There are moments when you feel like a failure. There are moments that you just want to crawl in a hole and never come out. There are moments that I do feel like God isn't caring about what is going on. There are moments that I know I am driving Craig up a wall because I'm sad. There are moments when I want to lash out at people for their insensitive comments. There are moments that I wish someone would just come up to me and put their arm around me and say, "I'm sorry." or "How are you doing?" But, some people can't do that because they haven't been down this road and don't know how to act or react. They don't understand that some days are just worse than others and all you need is a hug. They don't understand that there are times that maybe they should just be silent and let me vent. I can't lie about these things: these are honest & real emotions.
I can honestly say that this past Sunday was the first Sunday that I didn't cry during the message. It was the first Sunday that I felt like even singing during congregational hymn time. I wasn't always believing the words on the pages of the Bible and in the Hymnal. They were there, but they just weren't comforting. BUT...God was patient with me and He worked in me and Craig. He also worked through Craig, because I know Craig hurts, too...but he has borne the brunt of my emotions. He has held me while I've cried when I get my BFN for the month. He has held my hand while we talked with the doctor. He has been my human strength. We would love to have a child who is a reflection of our love for one another, and so far, we have just been denied that. For well over THIRTY SIX months. When you type it out like that, it's pretty overwhelming. (I know there are people out there who have dealt with this a lot longer than us...I am just letting you know what is specific to us.)
We may never know this side of Heaven why we have been allowed this time in our lives. I don't know. Maybe it was so we could grow closer together and grow in our faith. Believe me, that faith has waivered quite a bit. (Again, just me honestly speaking here.) I think I am coming to the place where I realize that there is nothing I can do in my own selfish human power to change our situation. We have to leave this in God's hands. Yep...much easier said than done. But, I am working on that. It is very hard to sit back and say, "Okay, God. It's Yours!" when inside you are still wondering if the day will ever come that we FINALLY find out that we are pregnant. I am slowly turning this over to God to work in this situation. There are still a lot of unknowns and frankly, I hate it. I like to solve problems and have an answer posthaste. But, again, God knows the outcome. He knows if we will ever have a biological child. I can't say that I'm ready to accept an answer of no just yet. It hurts too much to think that there could possibly never be a little girl with blonde hair that looks up to her daddy or never be a little boy who wants to be a farmer like his daddy or either one of them will love to watch NASCAR with their mommy & daddy. That hurts so much more than you know. But...I HAVE to leave it to God. That is what He commands us to do...lay our burdens down at His feet.
This is our burden, so I will try very hard to lay it at His feet. I may try to snatch it up again and solve it on my own, but I'll have to lay it right back down again. Please keep praying for us. That is all I can say for now.
What I have come to realize is this: God is still on the throne. He still loves us. He sees each tear that is cried. He sees the future. He holds us in the palm of His hand. Our infertility battle just plain stinks. There is no way of denying that fact. Yes, every day, there is a pang of despair. There are moments when you feel like a failure. There are moments that you just want to crawl in a hole and never come out. There are moments that I do feel like God isn't caring about what is going on. There are moments that I know I am driving Craig up a wall because I'm sad. There are moments when I want to lash out at people for their insensitive comments. There are moments that I wish someone would just come up to me and put their arm around me and say, "I'm sorry." or "How are you doing?" But, some people can't do that because they haven't been down this road and don't know how to act or react. They don't understand that some days are just worse than others and all you need is a hug. They don't understand that there are times that maybe they should just be silent and let me vent. I can't lie about these things: these are honest & real emotions.
I can honestly say that this past Sunday was the first Sunday that I didn't cry during the message. It was the first Sunday that I felt like even singing during congregational hymn time. I wasn't always believing the words on the pages of the Bible and in the Hymnal. They were there, but they just weren't comforting. BUT...God was patient with me and He worked in me and Craig. He also worked through Craig, because I know Craig hurts, too...but he has borne the brunt of my emotions. He has held me while I've cried when I get my BFN for the month. He has held my hand while we talked with the doctor. He has been my human strength. We would love to have a child who is a reflection of our love for one another, and so far, we have just been denied that. For well over THIRTY SIX months. When you type it out like that, it's pretty overwhelming. (I know there are people out there who have dealt with this a lot longer than us...I am just letting you know what is specific to us.)
We may never know this side of Heaven why we have been allowed this time in our lives. I don't know. Maybe it was so we could grow closer together and grow in our faith. Believe me, that faith has waivered quite a bit. (Again, just me honestly speaking here.) I think I am coming to the place where I realize that there is nothing I can do in my own selfish human power to change our situation. We have to leave this in God's hands. Yep...much easier said than done. But, I am working on that. It is very hard to sit back and say, "Okay, God. It's Yours!" when inside you are still wondering if the day will ever come that we FINALLY find out that we are pregnant. I am slowly turning this over to God to work in this situation. There are still a lot of unknowns and frankly, I hate it. I like to solve problems and have an answer posthaste. But, again, God knows the outcome. He knows if we will ever have a biological child. I can't say that I'm ready to accept an answer of no just yet. It hurts too much to think that there could possibly never be a little girl with blonde hair that looks up to her daddy or never be a little boy who wants to be a farmer like his daddy or either one of them will love to watch NASCAR with their mommy & daddy. That hurts so much more than you know. But...I HAVE to leave it to God. That is what He commands us to do...lay our burdens down at His feet.
This is our burden, so I will try very hard to lay it at His feet. I may try to snatch it up again and solve it on my own, but I'll have to lay it right back down again. Please keep praying for us. That is all I can say for now.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
I am a Promise!
As I have had many discussions over the past few days with my awesome husband (who deserves an award for best husband in a supporting role!) and some friends, some things have come to light. I'm still a work in progress. Many think that when you become a Child of God, things are just inherently good & you always react the way you should. Ummm...wrong. Boy, I wish it were the truth, but alas, it is not. We react the wrong way, it's a fact of life...we are human after all. But...what do we do with that reaction? Do we realize that sometimes it IS wrong? Do we repeat the action over & over again and decide not to change?
All of this has got me to thinking, and I said to myself...I am a work in progress. No matter that I've been a Christian for 29 years...God ISN'T finished with me yet. I have a lot to learn. It certainly doesn't matter if you have been a born-again believer for 1 day or 90 years...God is forever shaping and molding us. BUT...only if we let Him and try not to do it on our own power.
Then...the song popped into my head. A song that probably a bunch of you know from childhood. I Am a Promise. Here are the words:
I am a promise
I am a possibility
I am a promise with a capital "P"
I am a great big bundle of potentiality
And I am learnin' to hear God's voice
And I am tryin' to make the right choice
I am a promise to be anything God wants me to be.
I can go anywhere that He wants me to go
I can be anything He wants me to be
I can climb the high mountains
I can cross the wide sea
I'm a great big promise you see!
I am a promise
I am a possibility
I am a promise with a capital "P"
I am a great big bundle of potentiality
And I am learnin' to hear God's voice
And I am tryin' to make the right choice
I'm a promise to be anything God wants me to be
Anything God wants me to be!
How true that the words of song we learned as a child are appropriate for today. The only question remains, how long will it be before I let Him work in my life. Well...I am going to try and start today. Please God, work in my life...and please no one, give up on me!
All of this has got me to thinking, and I said to myself...I am a work in progress. No matter that I've been a Christian for 29 years...God ISN'T finished with me yet. I have a lot to learn. It certainly doesn't matter if you have been a born-again believer for 1 day or 90 years...God is forever shaping and molding us. BUT...only if we let Him and try not to do it on our own power.
Then...the song popped into my head. A song that probably a bunch of you know from childhood. I Am a Promise. Here are the words:
I am a promise
I am a possibility
I am a promise with a capital "P"
I am a great big bundle of potentiality
And I am learnin' to hear God's voice
And I am tryin' to make the right choice
I am a promise to be anything God wants me to be.
I can go anywhere that He wants me to go
I can be anything He wants me to be
I can climb the high mountains
I can cross the wide sea
I'm a great big promise you see!
I am a promise
I am a possibility
I am a promise with a capital "P"
I am a great big bundle of potentiality
And I am learnin' to hear God's voice
And I am tryin' to make the right choice
I'm a promise to be anything God wants me to be
Anything God wants me to be!
How true that the words of song we learned as a child are appropriate for today. The only question remains, how long will it be before I let Him work in my life. Well...I am going to try and start today. Please God, work in my life...and please no one, give up on me!
Monday, June 14, 2010
Our struggle...
Okay, so I think it's finally time to start writing about what our struggle has been. It's infertility. Some of our closest friends & some of the family know about this struggle, so this may come as some sort of shock to the rest of you.
Ever since I was 2 and was doting on my baby dolls and then my baby sister, I knew I wanted to have a baby. I started baby-sitting for families in our church at the age of 12. One family, in particular, had such faith in me that I remember them leaving their less than 1 month old daughter with me, along with their 3 boys. I've been in love with kids ever since. I have always been active & involved in the churches I have attended with kids' ministries. Whether that be Awana, Patch the Pirate Club, Children's Church, nursery, Kid's Choir, Kid's Cantatas, etc...you name it, I've probably done it. I love being around kids. In fact yesterday, our Pastor's youngest sat with me and just cuddled because she was tired. (double sigh)
Well, I got married when I was 29 and Craig was 36. We knew that we were already "up there" in years (compared to so many 20-somethings having them right & left), so having a family would need to come sooner than later. But, life took a different course for us right after the start of marriage. 2 weeks after we were married, my mother-in-law (MIL) had 3 brain tumors. Long story short=Alzheimer's was the final diagnosis on top of the brain tumors. (Not caused by the tumors) So, a lot of things were put on hold.
I also lost my health insurance when we got married. Craig is a farmer so we have to pay for our own. Not many good plans out there for maternity/infertility treatment so we knew 100% our responsibility. I found a new job back in 2007, but only 6 months into it, job was going to be outsourced, and I lost it only 11 months into it. I lost health insurance again. Well, we had started trying to plan our family while on this job. I was devastated. I knew that if we had trouble, we were literally up a creek.
Fast forward to this year: 3 years of trying, ready for a pregancy and for some reason God has said no. Wow...that's really a bitter pill to swallow. It's so hard when you want something to be denied it. It's really hard to think that something that seems so easy would be hard for us. I have had some bloodwork done and an HSG. It shows that everything appears normal & nothing of concern. It's kind of bittersweet diagnosis. You are grateful nothing is wrong medically, but you almost wish there was because then maybe it could be fixed.
So, now, we just wait again. We would appreciate your prayers for us. Of course, this affects me greater than Craig, because you know how all the female hormones work. =) But, we press on. Craig has been a great support for me throughout this journey. In fact sometimes, he has more positive thoughts than I do. The hardest thing right now, is watching others become pregnant before us. People who have been trying for a lot less time end up successful. You are happy for others, but you have to watch them anticipate the birth of their child. It just really stinks for us, because we can't conceive. My sister is pregnant with twins. I love the babies already, it's just hard for me to think about us not being successful and our lives are going to change with the addition to our family. I feel like we are on the outside looking in. It's a very hard place to be in, to say the least. Joy and sorrow...all at the same time.
So, I will be using this blog just maybe as a vent sometimes. Other times, it will be about other things going on in our life.
Please pray for us. It has been a time of waiting, stretching, fighting emotions that are so great that sometimes you just don't even want to get up out of bed. It takes a lot of grace and reliance on the Lord to make it through it.
Ever since I was 2 and was doting on my baby dolls and then my baby sister, I knew I wanted to have a baby. I started baby-sitting for families in our church at the age of 12. One family, in particular, had such faith in me that I remember them leaving their less than 1 month old daughter with me, along with their 3 boys. I've been in love with kids ever since. I have always been active & involved in the churches I have attended with kids' ministries. Whether that be Awana, Patch the Pirate Club, Children's Church, nursery, Kid's Choir, Kid's Cantatas, etc...you name it, I've probably done it. I love being around kids. In fact yesterday, our Pastor's youngest sat with me and just cuddled because she was tired. (double sigh)
Well, I got married when I was 29 and Craig was 36. We knew that we were already "up there" in years (compared to so many 20-somethings having them right & left), so having a family would need to come sooner than later. But, life took a different course for us right after the start of marriage. 2 weeks after we were married, my mother-in-law (MIL) had 3 brain tumors. Long story short=Alzheimer's was the final diagnosis on top of the brain tumors. (Not caused by the tumors) So, a lot of things were put on hold.
I also lost my health insurance when we got married. Craig is a farmer so we have to pay for our own. Not many good plans out there for maternity/infertility treatment so we knew 100% our responsibility. I found a new job back in 2007, but only 6 months into it, job was going to be outsourced, and I lost it only 11 months into it. I lost health insurance again. Well, we had started trying to plan our family while on this job. I was devastated. I knew that if we had trouble, we were literally up a creek.
Fast forward to this year: 3 years of trying, ready for a pregancy and for some reason God has said no. Wow...that's really a bitter pill to swallow. It's so hard when you want something to be denied it. It's really hard to think that something that seems so easy would be hard for us. I have had some bloodwork done and an HSG. It shows that everything appears normal & nothing of concern. It's kind of bittersweet diagnosis. You are grateful nothing is wrong medically, but you almost wish there was because then maybe it could be fixed.
So, now, we just wait again. We would appreciate your prayers for us. Of course, this affects me greater than Craig, because you know how all the female hormones work. =) But, we press on. Craig has been a great support for me throughout this journey. In fact sometimes, he has more positive thoughts than I do. The hardest thing right now, is watching others become pregnant before us. People who have been trying for a lot less time end up successful. You are happy for others, but you have to watch them anticipate the birth of their child. It just really stinks for us, because we can't conceive. My sister is pregnant with twins. I love the babies already, it's just hard for me to think about us not being successful and our lives are going to change with the addition to our family. I feel like we are on the outside looking in. It's a very hard place to be in, to say the least. Joy and sorrow...all at the same time.
So, I will be using this blog just maybe as a vent sometimes. Other times, it will be about other things going on in our life.
Please pray for us. It has been a time of waiting, stretching, fighting emotions that are so great that sometimes you just don't even want to get up out of bed. It takes a lot of grace and reliance on the Lord to make it through it.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
The last week in a nutshell
What a varying degree of emotions I had in the past week. Funerals are a time of reflection on someone's life here on this Earth. I have been to funerals where there was hope of seeing that loved one or friend again in Heaven, and funerals where there was absolutely positively no hope...because that person was not a believer. How grateful I am that at my Granny's funeral her life was celebrated, the Gospel was preached...and I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I will be reunited with her one day in Heaven. But why will I? Because I was good? Because I read my Bible? Because I helped others? Most certainly not. It is because I have put my faith in Jesus Christ and I know that the ONLY way to Heaven is accepting his free gift of salvation. Jesus died on the cross for my sins & for yours...but the question is, do you believe in Him? Do you trust in Him?
It's been a week of stretching and growing. With the death of 2 of my grandparents in 3 weeks time, we have also been going through something else. I have had to realize and remind myself DAILY that God is in control. He sees our hurts, he sees our desires, he sees our tears...it's just hard waiting on Him. But, I'm thankful for those who are praying and who are lifting us up daily...for without those prayers we would be sunk.
It's been a week of stretching and growing. With the death of 2 of my grandparents in 3 weeks time, we have also been going through something else. I have had to realize and remind myself DAILY that God is in control. He sees our hurts, he sees our desires, he sees our tears...it's just hard waiting on Him. But, I'm thankful for those who are praying and who are lifting us up daily...for without those prayers we would be sunk.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
A no-good, rotten day
Yesterday was a pretty tough day. Not only was I dealing with grief from the previous day, I got even more bad news...my Granny passed away. Now, she had been sick a lot this year due to a fall she had in January when she broke her leg. She was in the hospital due to an intestinal infection. She was doing fine, when I called 20 minutes before she died. That's how quick she went.
So, now we are headed back to Illinois for the 2nd time in 3 1/2 weeks for a funeral for a grandparent. Add on top of that the grief for the loss I suffered on Friday, and I am just brokenhearted. Today, I'm clinging to Psalm 38:14. The Lord is CLOSE to the brokenhearted & saves those who are crushed in spirit. Yep, I'm pretty much crushed in spirit. I just do not know what this has all happened at once. Well, part of it has been going on for several months (more like years), but you know what I mean. I try to muddle through it and the cycle just keeps repeating itself. I need strength from the Lord...I know He sees my/our grieving heart(s), I'm just tired and worn out. I would appreciate your prayers for us at this time.
So, now we are headed back to Illinois for the 2nd time in 3 1/2 weeks for a funeral for a grandparent. Add on top of that the grief for the loss I suffered on Friday, and I am just brokenhearted. Today, I'm clinging to Psalm 38:14. The Lord is CLOSE to the brokenhearted & saves those who are crushed in spirit. Yep, I'm pretty much crushed in spirit. I just do not know what this has all happened at once. Well, part of it has been going on for several months (more like years), but you know what I mean. I try to muddle through it and the cycle just keeps repeating itself. I need strength from the Lord...I know He sees my/our grieving heart(s), I'm just tired and worn out. I would appreciate your prayers for us at this time.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Decoration Day...AKA Memorial Day
Yeah for holidays! Memorial Day just isn't honored like it should be. Most people see it as a 3 day weekend to kick off the boating season, open up the pool, do yard work or whatever else. Most people forget that it's a day that we are supposed to honor those who have sacrificed their lives for us and those of our loved ones who have gone on before us.
I really appreciate what Higginsville, MO does at their cemetery. See, there is this tradition of flying Flags in the cemetery. On a breezy day, it's beautiful. Craig's granddad's flag, that was on his casket when he passed away, is one of those flags flying. We would try to find it, but there are over 250 of them, I believe. I hope to get some good pictures of it tomorrow as we go out to the cemetery to decorate the graves of Craig's family.
Today has been an emotionally hard day on me. I was expecting something that I really didn't want and was preparing myself for it, but when it was here...it just plain stunk. I just can't understand the reason why we have been chosen to walk this path. I keep trying to lean on God & remember that He is walking beside us...but I must admit, it's so very hard. I hope one day that the pain will ease, but right now, it's so great and inescapable.
I really appreciate what Higginsville, MO does at their cemetery. See, there is this tradition of flying Flags in the cemetery. On a breezy day, it's beautiful. Craig's granddad's flag, that was on his casket when he passed away, is one of those flags flying. We would try to find it, but there are over 250 of them, I believe. I hope to get some good pictures of it tomorrow as we go out to the cemetery to decorate the graves of Craig's family.
Today has been an emotionally hard day on me. I was expecting something that I really didn't want and was preparing myself for it, but when it was here...it just plain stunk. I just can't understand the reason why we have been chosen to walk this path. I keep trying to lean on God & remember that He is walking beside us...but I must admit, it's so very hard. I hope one day that the pain will ease, but right now, it's so great and inescapable.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
High on Cold medicine
Yep...that's what I am. Fighting allergies that have now turned into a cold. So much fun, especially in this lovely heat & humidity!
Craig hopes to finally be able to plant corn this weekend. Only a few weeks later than he had hoped. We are busy as bees in the office turning in replant claims for other farmers. Almost makes me glad that Craig DIDN'T get ours planted because he would just have to do it over anyway.
So, what's been going on since March? A lot. A lot of turmoil, a lot of sadness, a lot of (trying) to grow in grace & being patient. As I always say...Patience is NOT my middle name. Amidst a lot of other things, my Grandpa passed away at the beginning of the month, so we had to make a trip back to Illinois.
One of these days, maybe I will feel like explaining what's going on, but not today. All I can say is just please pray for us...there is a lot going on and I hate that we are having to go through it. I hope to one day look back on this time and see God's hand in it. Right now...it's just hard when you cry almost every day. But, God knows what is best and I have to remember that He IS walking through this with us.
Craig hopes to finally be able to plant corn this weekend. Only a few weeks later than he had hoped. We are busy as bees in the office turning in replant claims for other farmers. Almost makes me glad that Craig DIDN'T get ours planted because he would just have to do it over anyway.
So, what's been going on since March? A lot. A lot of turmoil, a lot of sadness, a lot of (trying) to grow in grace & being patient. As I always say...Patience is NOT my middle name. Amidst a lot of other things, my Grandpa passed away at the beginning of the month, so we had to make a trip back to Illinois.
One of these days, maybe I will feel like explaining what's going on, but not today. All I can say is just please pray for us...there is a lot going on and I hate that we are having to go through it. I hope to one day look back on this time and see God's hand in it. Right now...it's just hard when you cry almost every day. But, God knows what is best and I have to remember that He IS walking through this with us.
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