Our struggle...

Okay, so I think it's finally time to start writing about what our struggle has been. It's infertility. Some of our closest friends & some of the family know about this struggle, so this may come as some sort of shock to the rest of you.

Ever since I was 2 and was doting on my baby dolls and then my baby sister, I knew I wanted to have a baby. I started baby-sitting for families in our church at the age of 12. One family, in particular, had such faith in me that I remember them leaving their less than 1 month old daughter with me, along with their 3 boys. I've been in love with kids ever since. I have always been active & involved in the churches I have attended with kids' ministries. Whether that be Awana, Patch the Pirate Club, Children's Church, nursery, Kid's Choir, Kid's Cantatas, etc...you name it, I've probably done it. I love being around kids. In fact yesterday, our Pastor's youngest sat with me and just cuddled because she was tired. (double sigh)

Well, I got married when I was 29 and Craig was 36. We knew that we were already "up there" in years (compared to so many 20-somethings having them right & left), so having a family would need to come sooner than later. But, life took a different course for us right after the start of marriage. 2 weeks after we were married, my mother-in-law (MIL) had 3 brain tumors. Long story short=Alzheimer's was the final diagnosis on top of the brain tumors. (Not caused by the tumors) So, a lot of things were put on hold.

I also lost my health insurance when we got married. Craig is a farmer so we have to pay for our own. Not many good plans out there for maternity/infertility treatment so we knew 100% our responsibility. I found a new job back in 2007, but only 6 months into it, job was going to be outsourced, and I lost it only 11 months into it. I lost health insurance again. Well, we had started trying to plan our family while on this job. I was devastated. I knew that if we had trouble, we were literally up a creek.

Fast forward to this year: 3 years of trying, ready for a pregancy and for some reason God has said no. Wow...that's really a bitter pill to swallow. It's so hard when you want something to be denied it. It's really hard to think that something that seems so easy would be hard for us. I have had some bloodwork done and an HSG. It shows that everything appears normal & nothing of concern. It's kind of bittersweet diagnosis. You are grateful nothing is wrong medically, but you almost wish there was because then maybe it could be fixed.

So, now, we just wait again. We would appreciate your prayers for us. Of course, this affects me greater than Craig, because you know how all the female hormones work. =) But, we press on. Craig has been a great support for me throughout this journey. In fact sometimes, he has more positive thoughts than I do. The hardest thing right now, is watching others become pregnant before us. People who have been trying for a lot less time end up successful. You are happy for others, but you have to watch them anticipate the birth of their child. It just really stinks for us, because we can't conceive. My sister is pregnant with twins. I love the babies already, it's just hard for me to think about us not being successful and our lives are going to change with the addition to our family. I feel like we are on the outside looking in. It's a very hard place to be in, to say the least. Joy and sorrow...all at the same time.

So, I will be using this blog just maybe as a vent sometimes. Other times, it will be about other things going on in our life.

Please pray for us. It has been a time of waiting, stretching, fighting emotions that are so great that sometimes you just don't even want to get up out of bed. It takes a lot of grace and reliance on the Lord to make it through it.