They say confession is good for the soul...

So, maybe that is what I should do.  We, as humans sometimes see confessing sin/apologizing/humbling ourselves as a sign of weakness. 

That isn't what it is.  God sees it as as a call to obedience and somehow, methinks He delights when His Children see that they are wrong and call on Him to forgive and restore their relationship with Him. I know I delight when people come to me and ask for forgiveness when they have hurt me.

This week, we found out for like the 40th month in a row (not realizing I was infertile until just about a year ago) that we weren't pregnant again.  I was mad, angry, and just down right livid. I really didn't cry a lot-I was just silent. How could God do this to us again? Haven't we suffered enough? And believe me, there were a lot more questions and a lot more anger.  I've been inundated with pregnancy announcements and some of them are just mind-blowing.  It just adds to the anger of WHY NOT US??? Honestly, I didn't want to hear anything about God the rest of the day...but you know, as always, God had other plans. 

Later on, the anger just became grief and I cried and cried and cried.  I laid in bed that night and just asked Craig, WHY?  He says, I don't know but he's sorry.  I know that it bothers him, and I know it hurts him to see me in emotional pain (and then the physical pain).  I know that it hurts him, too.  He says he doesn't know why we have to go through all of this.

I came to that place where I had to remind myself that God was there: He was still loving me and perhaps even carrying me the past few days.  Actually, He still is carrying me: Because truth be told, I would rather just hide out in my house and not come out.  I am thankful for the grace and forgiveness the Lord gives.  Now, don't for one moment think that it just "cures" the questions.  It doesn't.  They are still there.  I really don't understand why we have to keep going through this and why there are so many hurt feelings.

But that is when I have to remind myself...The rain falls on the just and the unjust.  God is soverign, He is in control.  It is very hard to rest in Him when my heart is breaking.  But, rest I must.  Call upon God, I must. (try to) Be patient, I must.  Confess my hurts, my sin, my attitude-I must.  If I don't, then it will eat me alive and cause me to be bitter.

I was bitter for a day this week, but then I realized that God does love me and He loves every single child of His that is hurting. 

• For when we are weak, He is strong.
• When we are sorry, He is forgiving.
• When we are sad, He gives us a reason to be glad.
• When we are hopeless, He reminds us to be hopeful.
• When we are sad, He can give us joy.

Not for one moment do I claim to be a perfect human being, let alone a perfect Christian.  I'm just glad I can seek forgiveness and I have Someone to carry me through it all.

I know some of you out there are hurting very deeply and are in the same position I am in.  Maybe you aren't dealing with infertility, but maybe it's the loss of a job, the loss of a loved one, a failing marriage.  It's hard to find joy in the midst of strife-but it's there. 

Believe me, I'm preaching at myself more than anything-it's down right hard!!  I hope one day I can look back on all of this suffering, grief, and the anger that I once had and see how God brought us through it.  But, until then, I know I will make mistakes and I know I won't always have the right attitude.  At least I know that God will be on my side and will welcome me back into His loving arms and hold me tight.