The ebb & flow of pain

One thing I have learned in this battle of infertility in the past year and a half, is that there are good days and there are bad days.  Today is a very bad day.  Honestly, I just want to break down and cry my heart and soul out.  Yes, pain is real and as I learned in my counseling classes in college-even Jesus wept. He was mourning the death of his friend, Lazarus.  Pain is inevitable in this life whether it be physical, emotional or even spiritual. 

Right now, I'm also dealing with anger.  I hate admitting it, but I am. I've been told by other ladies who have dealt or are dealing with IF that anger is just part of the grieving process.  I really cannot see the good in my pain.  I know that ALL things work together for my good because I do have Christ on my side.  Romans 8:28-yes I have paraphrased it but most of you can understand what I mean.  If there are some who can't understand it, then you need to pick up a Bible and read it. What is lost in this verse is that a lot of people think that just because it says all good that means everything in life should be good.  No...that is not what it means.  It means that any circumstance: good/bad, happy/sad, rewarding/punishment is all part of God's plan and that we can learn from each circumstance and it will work for our good.  It may mean that we have to walk through the valley but it is good.  It may mean that we walk on the top of the mountain-it is good.  All of it is good.  Convincing yourself that it is good may take awhile because we are human.  We can only see the circumstances in the here and now.  If we are in pain, that is all we can focus on.  If we are joyful, that's usually all we focus on.  We may not understand the good on this side of Heaven, but it is there.  I think about if we didn't struggle with Infertility, I would have never met the other HP ladies.  For that, I am thankful. Granted, I hate that each one of us has to struggle with infertility, but I'm glad that we can be there for each other.

I am just thankful that God understands my pain and my hurt and my anger.  My heart is breaking, but God is holding my tears in the palm of His hand.  He has them numbered.

I have heard a great song by Selah called You Deliver Me.  I'm going to post the lyrics.  I think it is an appropriate song for me right now. 


Deep as the ocean, Bright as rain
This powerful emotion lifts me up above the planes
It's taken me to places I never thought I'd go
Showing me a grace I never thought I'd know


When I feel like I can't go on
You deliver me
When the road is winding and way too long
You deliver me, You deliver me


I feel like a sinner, my sins have been washed clean
I'm absolutely given, this heart has never seen
I must be forgiven sometimes asking why
I was chosen to be given you in this life


When I feel like I can't go on
You deliver me
When the road is winding and way too long
You deliver me, You deliver me


When there's a distance
Between what I am and who I want to be
You deliver me
When I feel like I can't go on
You deliver me
When the road is winding and way too long
You deliver me, You deliver me

You Deliver Me-Selah